Monday, February 25, 2013
Uncle Dusty's Guide to Fashion
Children are loud and messy and they confuse and alarm me. I wasn’t particularly fond of children when I was a child. I have read that philosophies such as these are not considered those of someone who should bring life into this world; however, I am invested in my sibling’s children. Being an uncle is the best situation. I am the uncle who buys things, not the uncle who goes horseback riding, voluntarily, or wrestles in the dirt. That uncle is my brother.
I have two nieces and two nephews between my brother and sister and I adore them all. However, I seem to have found in Payton a kindred spirit due to our many shared hobbies like clothes and fashion and shopping and Sonic. One has to replenish, n’est ce pas?
My Payton is an amazing young lady. She is eleventy foot tall (5’10 1/2”) and gorgeous. If I can figure out how I’ll post a picture with this blog. She is bright and funny and talented. Somehow my sister and that guy to whom I suppose she is still married were able to give birth to my daughter. She’s like a female version of me if I had athletic ability, an olive complexion and an actual metabolism. Okay, maybe she’s not like me other than she has amazing fashion sense, can sing and thinks I’m awesome.
She wants to be a nurse and is so intent on getting on with her life that she is skipping her junior year and heading to college this fall. I can’t say that I blame her. Van, Texas (population 576 people and 675 oil wells) has nothing to hold her attention. My heart and my wallet are both gearing up for some pain. I know that she’s 17 and thinks she is ‘pure grown’ but I recently realized the accuracy of Steve Martin’s remake of “Father of the Bride”. In one scene his daughter is telling him she’s in love and getting married. Obviously she is an adult, but he sees a 7 year-old girl saying, “But I love him, Dad.”
Before you start shaking your head at me, let me say that I am not that ridiculous. I view Payton as a 9 year-old girl in a beautiful white eyelet dress with a matching bow in her hair that is as big as the spare tire on a Honda CRV and white patent leather Mary Janes saying to me, “I’d rather go straight through and get my BSN.” I want to just hug her and say, “Aren’t you just so cute, thinking you’re grown and can be a nurse” but I know if I did, she’d think I were insane like her mother (her words, not mine). I’d like to say that is not true, but I’ve spoken to her mother about this and we’re picturing her in the same dress. On one hand, it’s kinda sad; on the other hand, that was a really beautiful dress.
I have tried to instill certain things in Payton as her mother and I want to ensure she gets the foundation she needs to be an amazing person. Advice comes in many categories and I have decided to list for posterity, some of the advice I’ve given her over the years. And I thought I’d share it with you.
1. Awesome on a budget is a way of life. Commit to your budget and do not waver. Your future credit rating will thank you.
2. Clearance racks are in the back of the store. If it’s in the window, it costs too much.
3. Anything less than 50% off is NOT a clearance sale.
4. Buy one, get one 50% off means you are getting both for 25% off. That is NOT a sale.
5. When thrift store shopping, if you wouldn’t pay full price for it, don’t buy it for $5. You will not wear it and you could have spent that $5 at Starbucks or Sonic.
6. Always buy quality undergarments. It’s like toilet paper; skimp and suffer.
7. If you don’t want someone staring at your butt, don’t put words on it.
8. Never buy cheap shoes. Your 40 year-old feet will one day thank you.
9. If the heel of your shoe is the height of your iPhone, people will talk about you. And by people I mean your mother and me.
10. Preppy never goes out of style.
11. If your outfit is shiny enough to attract wildlife, rethink it. We are not raccoons.
12. I don’t care how hot it is in Texas, white shoes after Labor Day is tacky.
13. Unless you have been kidnapped as part of some sorority event, pajamas are not to be seen outside your home. Preferably not even outside your bedroom. Wal-Mart is not your bedroom.
14. Make-up should enhance your beauty, not cover it up. Less is more.
15. Confidence is the best accessory.
And that is all I’m saying. For now.