Thursday, September 5, 2013
Uncle Dusty's Guide to Religion
Growing up in a Southern Baptist church, I have had many conversations about our specific denominational beliefs, such as the interpretation of “new wine” in the Bible as unfermented grapes, which is grape juice and that is what we drink during the Lord’s Supper, also known as communion. I currently attend a Presbyterian church as the pastor is the author of a Bible Study I completed at my non-denominational church in DC. I like the Presbyterian Church and I agree with them except something in their creed about believing in the Catholic Church, which I do not say with them. I simply stop talking, hard as that may be to believe.
At a recent dinner party at my friend Peter’s (Hi Peter!) home, we were discussing his Iranian/lapsed Presbyterian background and it lead to a discussion of different denominations and being the token Southerner, I was asked to share how my people (Southern Baptists) view other denominations. When I ran pretty quickly through the list, those in attendance asked me to put finger to keyboard and share this information with the world, or at least the 44 of you who read this blog. So here goes Uncle Dusty’s Guide to Religion.
1. Baptists (there are several subsets):
Southern Baptist - Big hair in a good way. May be located outside of the South. Fondness for casseroles, preferably cheese-covered.
Missionary Baptist – Not Southern Baptists, but close.
American Baptist – Not Southern Baptists at all.
Primitive Baptist – Not Southern Baptists but attend church once a month and are also fond of casseroles. However, they do the actual washing of feet which, while Biblical, is a bit too literal for most Southern Baptists.
2. Methodists – Baptists who drink and dance without shame or guilt.
3. Catholics – Pray to Mary, who Baptists admire but do not worship. That whole ‘Pope thing’, Baptists find confusing. They have been known to attend Mass in their pajamas. Unsure of where they stand on casseroles.
4. Episcopalians – Catholics with more money and less guilt.
5. Presbyterians – Episcopalians who are sometimes somewhat more liberal but with just as much money.
6. Lutherans – Not certain this is an actual denomination; may refer to a group of men named Luther. Rumored to appreciate casseroles, but what man named Luther wouldn’t?
7. Mennonites & Amish – Mennonites drive cars; Amish drive buggies. Both wear basic black but in a decidedly non-trendy way.
8. Assemblies of God – Suspected of speaking in tongues. Sometimes have big hair. Allowed to watch TV. Baptists are not real sure about any of the aforementioned information and are far too polite to ask.
9. Pentecostals – Big hair, but not in a good way. Can’t watch TV.
10. Church of Christ. – don’t have pianos during their services because there were no pianos in the Bible. I don’t remember Bible verses mentioning pitch pipes but they use those. Do not broach this subject; they will not find you humorous.
11. Seventh Day Adventists – not sure it’s a real church; might be a cult.
12. Moonies – definitely a cult.
13. Hari Krishnas – do they still have those?
14. Jehovah’s Witnesses – ride bicycles and don’t like holidays.
15. Scientology – Really? I think everyone has the same opinion.
I don’t think I’ve forgotten anyone, lest I was afraid to mention them. Oh, and before whomever I just offended get your knickers in a knot over this list, remember that to forgive is divine but to forget is downright rude. At the very least you should forward this to your friends so y’all can all be angry at me at the same time, while my readership increases. I’m trying to get a book deal, y’all. And that is all I’m saying.