Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Uncle Dusty's Guide to Unicorn Sanchez's Guide to the "Right Way to Shop"

Those of you who know me know I will shop any sort of sale, be it clearance, pop-up, garage, estate or yard.  However, I know many of my brethren and even some of my sistrethen (yes, it’s a word that I just invented) would rather be poked with a spoon by a badger than accompany someone on a shopping adventure.  This past weekend I was headed to the Haight section of San Francisco for a full day of thrift store/vintage shop wandering with two of my friends, Matt and Laura.  We ate and shopped and walked and ate and shopped and walked.  It was a great day.  However, Matt (who is Unicorn Sanchez in my trivia team of Unicorn Sanchez and the Fanny Pack Full of Rainbows) added a fun element to our day which was a scavenger hunt. 
                While I didn’t need to be otherwise occupied whilst I ferreted out vintage bargain cuff links, I thought this might be something that could be shared to amuse and/or distract your unwilling shopping companions be they toddler or adult.  So herewith is Unicorn Sanchez’s Guide to the ‘Right Way to Shop’.
                To win, you must locate:
1.  Wooden eyewear or necktie (6 points)

2.  A Hipster (actual or inadvertent) (3.14159 points, because they’re just like that)

3.  Anyone with a mullet (20,000 confederate points)

4.  Anyone with a Handlebar Moustache (one million points).  Extra points if they have rope or a Lillian Gish impersonator and are near train tracks

5.  Someone who looks like George Clinton (not a relative of Bill but he of Parliament Funkadelic fame) (40 ounces)

6.  Step 1: Baggy Pants, Step 2: Hammer time! (Does anyone this awesome really need points?)

7.  Anything polka-dotted (5 points).  Anything polka-dotted if you work in an elementary school, sorority house or the state of Mississippi (-43 points for being too easy).

8.  Convince someone to do the Worm (10 points, 20 bonus points if they have a mullet; photographic evidence required)

9.  Find someone wearing a Hawaiian shirt and do the hula with them (26.5 points)

10.Any commercial product that is an example of alliteration, such as Silly String, Lincoln Logs or Chinese Checkers. Can’t be candy because that’s way too easy. Kit Kat, Tart ‘n Tinys, Candy Corn? C’mon! (5 points)
11.A Spork (1 point), a Fnife (5 points) or a Knoon (10 points)

12.A business card from anyone who sells anything bought or processed; or buys anything sold or processed; or processes anything sold or bought; or repairs anything sold, bought, or processed (a gold Porsche…from Hot Wheels)

13.An autograph. It doesn’t have to be anyone famous, but it must be a complete stranger, and it has to be signed “To my biggest fan” (10 points)

14.Half a bowling ball (100 points)

15.An adult wearing a onsie or a snuggie (-5 points because that’s just weird, y’all)

16.Tupac Shakur, because you know he is still alive.  Biggie’s dead, y’all, but ‘Pac is alive and well (200 pts plus lots of cash for the subsequent publishing rights to tabloid photos)

17.A panhandler with an actual pan (yellow points because I’m like that)

Have fun and happy shopping.  I am not responsible if you are detained by authorities for your hyper-observant behavior or interactions with unwilling “finds”.  And that is all I’m saying.

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