Why can't you just be funny, for pity's sake?

I feel sure you know that I enjoy writing.  I think I have something to say and I work under the assumption that people respond to my voice.  My life has been filled with moments, both mundane and monumental.  Some have been literally, life-altering and those I have shared with certain confidantes, including my church in Massachusetts.  And even though I feel that I could use some of the lessons I’ve learned to help others either not make the same mistakes or help them recover as well as I have, fear keeps me silent.  I have tried to figure out a way to put my life’s story to metaphorical paper, but am unsure of the voice that would be most enjoyable.  I would appreciate input from those of you who support me, even though most of you don’t share my blog with your friends.  Not that I'm bitter or anything.

Here is a smattering of memoir starters that I have kept in my journal.  For some reason I sound like different people and I can’t decide if they are all me.  Theoretically they are all me, as I wrote them, but are they all someone from whom you would like to hear more?   I would love it if you would (1) let me know which ones you prefer and (2) share my blog with all your friends.  I need more than 500 people to buy my next book. 

So, here you go:

 

1. Unlike Diana Vreeland, I was unable to arrange to be born in Paris.  I was born in a small town in Louisiana; a fitting beginning to a life lived on the periphery.

 

2.Rock Hudson died the day I turned fifteen.  You would think this wouldn’t have been that great a moment in my life, but you would be wrong.  Don’t worry, though, I was wrong, too.

 

3.It never really dawned on me that I was the oldest son of an oldest son until, at age 17, I was asked to take the lead in carrying my paternal grandfather’s casket into his funeral.  It was heavier than I thought it would be although I had no frame of reference for the weight of a dead body encased in what I assume was the least expensive model, considering the limited resources of my extended family.   I guess it might have been different had I a connection to the occupant, which I most assuredly did not.

 

4. I used to be angry that I wasn’t selected to be on MTV’s “The Real World” when I tried out in 1992.  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why they didn’t see my potential especially since my “Dusty:  the Boxed Set” simply reeked of creativity and desperation.  Never has a disappointment turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  At least the most horrifying moments of my early twenties are lost to the ages and the hopefully foggy memories of my friends and fraternity brothers.

 

5. I don’t fear anonymity as much as I fear success.  I don’t think I’m deserving of the latter, and I don't appreciate the former.

 

6. If God has a last nerve, I am definitely on it.

 

7. Have you ever told a story so often that you honestly can’t remember if it’s the truth?

 

8. Being a boy, even if you’re not very good at it, is preferable to being a girl. I would imagine.

 

9. If I truly cared what people thought of me, I wouldn’t dress the way I do.  But I do care; if I’m being honest.  I just hope they agree with me.

 

10. It requires significant focus, but you can become exactly who you want to be.  Shared delusion is easier than you think.

               

11. It’s not overly difficult to convince people you are someone you’re not.  Most people never scratch your surface, lest you return the favor.  Those who do scratch have one of two motives; it’s your job to decipher these motives, hopefully in a timely manner.

 

12. If someone is bold enough to question my sexual orientation, I always respond, "Southern Baptist.”  Most people laugh.  Well, most people don't ask, but that's doesn't give me a entrance point to this story, does it?

 

13. People who say they don’t care what others think of them are lying; either to themselves or to everyone else.  Aren’t we?

 

14. Can you keep a secret?  I don’t think I’m as smart as I pretend to be. 

 

15. Using proper grammar in prison will not give you street cred, to be sure.  It will, however, get you the nicknames “Teacher” and /or “Punk”.  One of those is preferable to the other. 


As an aside, have you noticed that most of my lists have15 entries?  Isn't that odd?  And that is all I'm saying.