Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Uncle Dusty's Guide to Reality (Millenial Edition)

              I recently witnessed a scene somewhat sad and perplexing.  I was behind a young man in the line at Starbucks who was dressed in an odd manner.  As we were literally in the shadow of Facebook (it was about 100 yards away), I assumed this 12-year old in $300 denim was one of the acolytes of Zuckerberg, Inc. 

I guess odd isn’t the right word.  Unexpected, maybe? From the waist up he was your typical hipster nerd, complete with snarky t-shirt and non-prescription glasses.  However, below the waist, his over-priced jeans were, and I believe I’m using this term correctly, “bustin’ a sag”.  I am so street.

                Don’t get me wrong, I applaud anyone who his committed to a specific look.  I do, however, believe in giving someone a dose of reality, if needed.  I don’t think Devin, if that was his real name, was giving off the appropriate gangsta vibe.  Why you ask?  Well, for one, he was at Starbucks, for pity’s sake.  If that wasn’t bad enough, he ordered a “non-fat skinny mocha-choco-latta-ya-ya” or somesuch.  All I could do was sing, ‘Creole Lady Marmalaaade!” in my head.

                From what I gather, real gangstas, were they to find themselves in a Starbucks (evading Johnny Law, I presume) would order something like “Caw-Fee!  Random Expletive!  And a Cookie!  Subsequent Expletive!  Yes, Warm!  Final Expletive!”  What?  I watched that TV show that one time.


                In honor of this interaction, I’ve decided to offer Uncle Dusty’s Guide to Reality for Millenials or as The Dad would say, “young-uns”.
1.       Pull up your pants.  You only get dates dressed like that because women have taken pity on you.  They think they can save you.  We’ve had to start prayer circles.

2.       If you are thin, stop dressing poorly.  If you have no taste, look for a friend that does and ask for help.  Or call me.  I will literally take anyone shopping, up to and including Charles Manson, although how you accessorize with a forehead swastika would be a stretch even for my significant abilities.

3.       Never assume retail employees have good taste.  No one checks out their outfits during the interview, with the possible exception of Kate Spade.  I have seen co-workers from my days at Dillard’s tell a customer that the only shirt that would coordinate with khaki pants, would be a khaki shirt.  Yes, if you are the Roto-Rooter guy. 

4.       If you think the cashier at any store has the power to change company policy, you are special kind of silly.  This is not a bazaar in Calcutta.  You can’t barter at Forever 21. 

5.       Stop wearing flip flops with jeans.  Because it’s stupid.

6.       The cashier at Safeway is not in charge of how many lines are open at 10PM on a Saturday night.  You waited 11 hours for the new iPhone, you can wait 10 minutes for whatever cheap alcohol you’re trying to buy.  Stop being rude.

7.       Don’t be rude to servers in restaurants.  If you’re nice, they’re nice.  That’s how it works. 

8.       Please tip your servers appropriately.  They are providing you a service.  I don’t care how cheap you are, tip at least 15%; more if you’ve gotten great service.  How would you like it if you were paid based on someone else’s opinion of your work?

9.       It’s great to be passionate about your beliefs.  However, if you haven’t put much thought into why you believe what you believe, don’t get mad when someone questions you.  If you find yourself unable to defend your position, maybe you should figure out why. 

10.   If you’re not horrified by the world around you, you aren’t paying attention. 

11.   It is your right as an American to have an opinion.  Coincidentally, you have to deal with the repercussions of your opinion.  Just like everyone else. 

12.   Hard work is the only path to success; there is no other.  If you want to invent an app so you can sit around chillin’, you have to actually invent an app.  All those Facebook and Twitter guajillionaires are hard-working people.  Granted they sometimes wear hoodies and seem laid back, but they actually invented, and then aggressively marketed, a product.  You’re not a dreamer.  You’re lazy.

13.   Not every successful person is smart; but all successful people are hard-working.  If you don’t apply yourself, you’ll never succeed.  If you’re in school, that means you need to study.  I know Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of college.  But they dropped out of Harvard. 

14.   When you’re driving and you make a wrong turn or miss your exit on the highway, just keep going.  Trying to cut across four lanes of traffic to make your exit is dangerous and stupid.  I am not dying in a fiery car crash so you can get your fix of over-priced caffeinated beverages.  And you know good and well it was something that stupid.

15.   Oh, and your music is simply a re-tread of 80s music, without the panache or hair spray.  This is demonstrated by your rap stars’ inability to a make a hit without sampling Spandau Ballet and Dead or Alive.  I know that’s harsh, but whatevs, Felicia.  Slow your roll.  Is that right?  Did I do that right? 

 And that’s all I’m saying for now. 

1 comment:

  1. lol!!!!! That was great!!! Now, I have to assume that you don't mean that *I'm* stupid when I wear flip flops with my jeans on occasion. Because I'm doing it due to the fact that it might be warmer outside, but I have not shaved, and quite frankly, I've gained back that weight I lost in 2012 no judging please, and none of my non-jean pants fit worth a darn, and I do NOT wear pants so tight that you can see the brand of undergarments I wear because that's just tacky thank you very much, and I'm not interested in buying new ones because I *am* back on my diet.