A real life version of Frasier, if the Cranes were from Mississippi. Dusty Thompson, displaced Southern gentleman and aspiring author, has recently invited his Daddy, an authentic Southern Good Ol' Boy, to live with him in California. When his Daddy shows up with the largest LaZBoy in America and his dog named Lulu in the back of his pick-up, Dusty realizes that the only thing he has in common with his father is DNA.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Uncle Dusty's Guide to Reality (Millenial Edition)
I recently witnessed a scene somewhat sad and perplexing.I was behind a young man in the line at
Starbucks who was dressed in an odd manner.As we were literally in the shadow of Facebook (it was about 100 yards
away), I assumed this 12-year old in $300 denim was one of the acolytes of
I guess odd isn’t the right word.Unexpected, maybe? From the waist up he was
your typical hipster nerd, complete with snarky t-shirt and non-prescription
glasses.However, below the waist, his
over-priced jeans were, and I believe I’m using this term correctly, “bustin’ a
sag”.I am so street.
Don’t get me wrong,
I applaud anyone who his committed to a specific look.I do, however, believe in giving someone a
dose of reality, if needed.I don’t
think Devin, if that was his real name, was giving off the appropriate gangsta
vibe.Why you ask?Well, for one, he was at Starbucks, for pity’s
sake.If that wasn’t bad enough, he
ordered a “non-fat skinny mocha-choco-latta-ya-ya” or somesuch.All I could do was sing, ‘Creole Lady Marmalaaade!”
in my head.
From what I
gather, real gangstas, were they to find themselves in a Starbucks (evading
Johnny Law, I presume) would order something like “Caw-Fee!Random Expletive! And a Cookie!Subsequent Expletive!Yes,
Warm!Final Expletive!”What?I watched that TV show that one time.
honor of this interaction, I’ve decided to offer Uncle Dusty’s Guide to Reality
for Millenials or as The Dad would say, “young-uns”.
1.Pull up your pants.You only get dates dressed like that because
women have taken pity on you.They think
they can save you.We’ve had to start
2.If you are thin, stop dressing poorly.If you have no taste, look for a friend that
does and ask for help.Or call me.I will literally take anyone shopping, up to
and including Charles Manson, although how you accessorize with a forehead swastika
would be a stretch even for my significant abilities.
3.Never assume retail employees have good
taste.No one checks out their outfits
during the interview, with the possible exception of Kate Spade.I have seen co-workers from my days at
Dillard’s tell a customer that the only shirt that would coordinate with khaki
pants, would be a khaki shirt.Yes, if
you are the Roto-Rooter guy.
4.If you think the cashier at any store has the
power to change company policy, you are special kind of silly.This is not a bazaar in Calcutta.You can’t barter at Forever 21.
5.Stop wearing flip flops with jeans.Because it’s stupid.
6.The cashier at Safeway is not in charge of how
many lines are open at 10PM on a Saturday night.You waited 11 hours for the new iPhone, you
can wait 10 minutes for whatever cheap alcohol you’re trying to buy.Stop being rude.
7.Don’t be rude to servers in restaurants.If you’re nice, they’re nice.That’s how it works.
8.Please tip your servers appropriately.They are providing you a service.I don’t care how cheap you are, tip at least 15%;
more if you’ve gotten great service.How
would you like it if you were paid based on someone else’s opinion of your work?
9.It’s great to be passionate about your beliefs.However, if you haven’t put much thought into
why you believe what you believe, don’t get mad when someone questions
you.If you find yourself unable to
defend your position, maybe you should figure out why.
10.If you’re not horrified by the world around you,
you aren’t paying attention.
11.It is your right as an American to have an
opinion.Coincidentally, you have to
deal with the repercussions of your opinion.Just like everyone else.
12.Hard work is the only path to success; there is
no other.If you want to invent an app
so you can sit around chillin’, you have to actually invent an app.All those Facebook and Twitter guajillionaires
are hard-working people.Granted they sometimes
wear hoodies and seem laid back, but they actually invented, and then
aggressively marketed, a product.You’re
not a dreamer.You’re lazy.
13.Not every successful person is smart; but all
successful people are hard-working.If
you don’t apply yourself, you’ll never succeed.If you’re in school, that means you need to study.I know Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg dropped
out of college.But they dropped out of
14.When you’re driving and you make a wrong turn or
miss your exit on the highway, just keep going.Trying to cut across four lanes of traffic to make your exit is
dangerous and stupid.I am not dying in
a fiery car crash so you can get your fix of over-priced caffeinated
beverages.And you know good and well it
was something that stupid.
15.Oh, and your music is simply a re-tread of 80s
music, without the panache or hair spray.This is demonstrated by your rap stars’ inability to a make a hit
without sampling Spandau Ballet and Dead or Alive.I know that’s harsh, but whatevs, Felicia.Slow your roll.Is that right?Did I do that right?