Saturday, October 18, 2014

Oh calm down already, it's Clan with a "C"

                In the past year I’ve been introduced to all things Scottish.  I found out via my best friend Christopher’s wedding research that if you have a clan, you also have plaids.  Yes, plural.  There is an everyday plaid, a formal plaid and a hunting plaid.  So many plaids, I wonder if I might be Scottish.  Considering paisley was invented there, as was modern economics, I just might be.

                When we attended the English wedding in Scotland in July, we were made privy to further Scottish trivia such as family crests and mottos and all manner of interesting things.  The castle where we stayed during the wedding weekend was, oddly enough, his family’s castle (Clan Ramsay), which was appropriate as I was acting as if I was minor royalty already.  How else does one roll whilst in the Kingdom United (since Scotland voted to stay within)?  I feel that my plug for solidarity during my wedding toast may have turned the tides.  The fact that my girl, QE II, moved into Holyrood Castle during the run-up to the vote was coincidental at best.

                Just this morning I went to brunch with two very close friends who have been engaged for about 14 minutes.  We were discussing their wedding plans and I was, quite naturally, filling them in on my opinions (also plural) about themes and color schemes.  The bride-to-be is part-Scottish by background and we looked at the formal plaid which is green and red.  While beautiful, it fell a shade too far into the Christmas holiday spectrum for a proper wedding. 

                While looking at the hunting plaid, her fiancé found some history of her family including crest, motto and enemies.  Yes, dear readers, if you are Scottish, your clan has longstanding nemeses.  Those who share her surname (being withheld because it’s more interesting that way) apparently have Clans Kerr and Douglas as their long-standing enemies.  She couldn’t think of anyone off-hand that she knew with those last names so we didn’t have to plan an attack or anything.  Instead we talked about her impending trip to Tiffany’s to get her engagement ring sized since her knuckles aren’t actually as large as she thinks they are.  She is a member of Clan Crazy Females with Weird Body Issues That Don’t Actually Exist otherwise known as Clan Women.  Almost all women belong to it as do some dudes, especially here in the Bay Area.  I am not of that particular Clan.  I think I’m skinnier than I actually am.  I call me Clan Awesome (And Don’t Burst My Bubble, Please).  I love a good parenthetical encased in a title, don’t you?

                My personal enemies (plural to an absurd degree) are people in bad outfits and people who are rude, stupid or both; I call these Clan Tacky Masses and Clan Big Donkeys respectively.  There is also Clan Look Here Pawpaw (drivers who are too slow and can’t turn or park quickly or correctly) as well as the Clan Are You Seriously Writing a Check at Safeway (Making Me Wait) and Clan Get Off Your Cell Phone and Get Your Ridiculously Involved Caffeinated Beverage and Get Out of My Way (So I Can Get My Warmed Chocolate Chip Cookie That I’m Lying to My Nutritionist About to Go With My Black Iced Tea With Splenda and Yes I know How Bad Fake Sugar is For My Liver) At Starbucks.  I can't forget the sports-related Clan Stop Singing the National Anthem Like You're a Back-up Singer for Ray Charles.  This Song was Written by a Poet in 1800something and He Wasn't Expecting You to Start Scatting in the Middle (or Just Shut Up Already and Have Someone Play it on the Trumpet) and the work-related Clan Stop Reading Your Slide Presentation to Me (I Have the Gift of Literacy).

                I don’t know if a Clan Thompson exists but based on a lifetime of knowing and living with and near them, I feel pretty sure their enemies would be the Clans No Biscuits, Live in Town, Cute Clothes/No Overalls and Febreze. 

                All these parentheticals have wore me down so that I almost forgot my favorite Clan, The Highlander Social Club at the Mississippi University for Women.  It goes without saying that they are firmly ensconced in Clan Awesome, but definitely in the no need for bubble-bursting instructions section.  
               And that is all I'm saying.

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