Friday, January 8, 2016
Several weeks ago I suffered through a particularly virulent stomach flu. It wasn’t much fun but I came out the other side nine pounds lighter so I was feeling like one of those under-fed girls from Devil Wear Prada, but in the good way. They should figure out how to bottle stomach flu and sell it as a weight loss program. Am I right?
I don’t often complain about being single, but when you are sick, it’s a bummer. I know Jesus is all I need, but He is not going to run out to the Rite Aid and pick up my chicken soup, whether it’s for my soul or not. So, I am standing in line to buy my medicine and other illness accoutrement when I remembered I needed new air freshener for my car. Even while unwell, I am multi-task oriented, y'all.
I selected “Clean Linen” by Febreze, as it has a crisp light scent. I chose the little clips you affix to your air conditioning vents. When I got in the car, I immediately unwrapped the package, activated the container, plugged it in and turned on the air conditioner as it is Southern California and we don’t actually have weather like the rest of you poor folks in other parts of 'merica.
You know how air fresheners are REALLY STRONG when they are activated? It smelled as if someone had shoved a Tide Pocket in each of my nostrils, and not in the good way. Trying to keep all fluids inside my body, I had to immediately roll down all the windows and drive with my head hanging out in the air like your pet dog, drooling ever so slightly if I'm being honest. And I already looked a mess, having pulled onto my person the closest clothes to me when I realized I had to leave my home even though I was deathly ill.
Imagine the sight of me wearing jeans, a 3/4-zip pullover sweater and a baseball cap from the United States Senate. I realize this outfit is de rigueur for tech CEOs but in my world I should have been moving furniture or hauling hay.
In order to not have an accident in my car or on the roadside, I was forced to hang my head out of the window, driving at a high rate of speed, half-woozy from my illness, attempting to escape a suffocating cloud of clean. Thankfully I made it home in time to relieve myself. Now, however, every time I smell “Clean Linen” or its cousin “Fresh Laundry” I immediately have to use the bathroom.
My sister has the same reaction when she hears rap music.