Children are loud
and messy and they confuse and alarm me.
I wasn’t particularly fond of children when I was a child. I have read that philosophies such as these
are not considered those of someone who should bring life into this world;
however, I am invested in my sibling’s children. Being an uncle is the best situation. I am the uncle who buys things, not the uncle
who goes horseback riding, voluntarily, or wrestles in the dirt. That uncle is my brother.
I have two nieces
and two nephews between my brother and sister and I adore them all. However, I seem to have found in Payton a
kindred spirit due to our many shared hobbies like clothes and fashion and
shopping and Sonic. One has to
replenish, n’est ce pas?
My Payton is an
amazing young lady. She is eleventy foot
tall (5’10 1/2”) and gorgeous. If I can
figure out how I’ll post a picture with this blog. She is bright and funny and talented. Somehow my sister and that guy to whom I
suppose she is still married were able to give birth to my daughter. She’s like a female version of me if I had
athletic ability, an olive complexion and an actual metabolism. Okay, maybe she’s not like me other than she
has amazing fashion sense, can sing and thinks I’m awesome.
She wants to be a
nurse and is so intent on getting on with her life that she is skipping her
junior year and heading to college this fall.
I can’t say that I blame her.
Van, Texas (population 576 people and 675 oil wells) has nothing to hold
her attention. My heart and my wallet are
both gearing up for some pain. I know
that she’s 17 and thinks she is ‘pure grown’ but I recently realized the
accuracy of Steve Martin’s remake of “Father of the Bride”. In one scene his daughter is telling him
she’s in love and getting married. Obviously
she is an adult, but he sees a 7 year-old girl saying, “But I love him, Dad.”
Before you start
shaking your head at me, let me say that I am not that ridiculous. I view Payton as a 9 year-old girl in a
beautiful white eyelet dress with a matching bow in her hair that is as big as
the spare tire on a Honda CRV and white patent leather Mary Janes saying to me,
“I’d rather go straight through and get my BSN.” I want to just hug her and say, “Aren’t you
just so cute, thinking you’re grown and can be a nurse” but I know if I did,
she’d think I were insane like her mother (her words, not mine). I’d like to say that is not true, but I’ve
spoken to her mother about this and we’re picturing her in the same dress. On one hand, it’s kinda sad; on the other
hand, that was a really beautiful dress.
I have tried to
instill certain things in Payton as her mother and I want to ensure she gets
the foundation she needs to be an amazing person. Advice comes in many categories and I have
decided to list for posterity, some of the advice I’ve given her over the
years. And I thought I’d share it with
you.
1. Awesome on a budget
is a way of life. Commit to your budget
and do not waver. Your future credit rating will thank you.
2. Clearance racks are
in the back of the store. If it’s in the
window, it costs too much.
3. Anything less than
50% off is NOT a clearance sale.
4. Buy one, get one 50%
off means you are getting both for 25% off.
That is NOT a sale.
5. When thrift store
shopping, if you wouldn’t pay full price for it, don’t buy it for $5. You will not wear it and you could have spent
that $5 at Starbucks or Sonic.
6. Always buy quality
undergarments. It’s like toilet paper;
skimp and suffer.
7. If you don’t want
someone staring at your butt, don’t put words on it.
8. Never buy cheap
shoes. Your 40 year-old feet will one
day thank you.
9. If the heel of your
shoe is the height of your iPhone, people will talk about you. And by people I mean your mother and me.
10. Preppy never goes out
of style.
11. If your outfit is
shiny enough to attract wildlife, rethink it.
We are not raccoons.
12. I don’t care how hot
it is in Texas, white shoes after Labor Day is tacky.
13. Unless you have been
kidnapped as part of some sorority event, pajamas are not to be seen outside your
home. Preferably not even outside your
bedroom. Wal-Mart is not your bedroom.
14. Make-up should
enhance your beauty, not cover it up.
Less is more.
15. Confidence is the
best accessory.
And that is all I’m
saying. For now.
