Last weekend I had to the unique opportunity to attend a
comedy show with literally every woman in Red River and Lamar Counties (in
Texas) along with four or five of their inebriated spouses. I say inebriated as they were selling beer
along with sangria, margaritas and hurricanes.
I wasn’t surprised, I guess, people love a good drink at a concert. The crowd was, in a word, lively. And seeing as how Heather Land herself was
wearing a head band, Def Leppard t-shirt and ripped jeans (an interesting look
for a 42-year-old mother of two, said my inner old lady), it seemed to fit.
I am
somewhat familiar with Ms. Land’s comedy.
I say somewhat when what I mean is I have seen one of her videos; you
know the ones where her eyes and mouth are disturbingly large, and she
complains about stuff and it’s funny.
And she always says her catchphrase, which was splashed across black
t-shirts she was selling, “I Ain’t Doin’ It!”
The
doors opened at six and the show was supposed to start at 7:00 so by 6:53 the
audience had started to get “tow up” and I had the time to take my eyes away
from the magnificent hairdos all around me and noticed a keyboard on
stage. Does Ms. Land sing, I wondered
aloud? No one seemed to know. Everyone was wearing flowy blouses, tight jeans, chunky jewelry and buying a
disturbing amount of Ms. Land’s unimaginative “I Ain’t Doin’ It!” t-shirts.
As the
clock neared 7:15 I was hungry as we hadn’t eaten in at least two hours during
this marathon weekend visit/book tour (buy my book ‘Almost Odis’ on Amazon
right now, y’all) but the only option for food was the ubiquitous nachos
often found in these venues. I wasn’t in
the mood, so I ate the contraband Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg I had stowed in the
inside pocket of my sport coat. I am prepared like a Boy Scout, people. Well, more like Chunk from "The Goonies", but whatever.
Finally,
at 7:20, Ms. Land came out and she was truly funny. I didn’t really know what to expect but I
laughed a lot. She didn’t say her catchphrase, but she had great material, excellent
timing and I was enjoying the show. One of the more elderly and intoxicated in the audience started
talking out loud and disrupting the show and Ms. Land tried to intervene and
stop her. At one point this woman got
down on the floor (to crawl? to faint?) and when some guy came to remove her, her friend (clothed in
a nautical striped blouse with bell sleeves) abandoned her friend and decided to stay.
At one point she mentioned her
unsuccessful music career and I realized she was about to share with us a song
or twelve. I felt a little apprehensive,
like when you go to see a one-hit wonder from the 80s and you expect them to play
their one good song and they start with, “How about something from the new album”. No, members of Yes, I don’t want to hear a
22-minute progressive rock song, I want to hear, “Owner of a Lonely Heart”.
She begins to play piano and sing,
and I was pleasantly surprised that she had a beautiful voice. As she had been high energy in her routine, I
was expecting something vaguely happy and/or bouncy. What we got was a post-Lilith Fair Sarah McLachlan
with songs so plaintive and haunting it made me want to go out and adopt a
shelter puppy. I mean, even with her obvious talent, this music was melancholy, y’all. Then she played what she said was another song, but I couldn’t tell the difference.
Then she had an intermission. At
a comedy show. Maybe she was overwhelmed
from her own songs. Who knows.
As this
intermission was unexpected most people just stayed in their seats which gave
me a clear path to the concession stand.
By this time, I was actually hungry, so I had resigned myself to eating
nachos. When I got to the stand, I
discovered I could get a combo plate of nachos and meatballs and gravy. On a paper plate. Not in a nacho boat or a bowl. Because that’s what you feed people at an
event where there are no tables and they have to eat in their lap. Do they think they are Ikea?
After
the intermission she returned for more comedy, this time it had a bit more bite
as it was about her divorce and life afterwards, but it was also about church
and Jesus. I guess those things pair
well in Heather Land-land. Then there
were more songs so heartrending it sounded like the soundtrack to a Nicholas Sparks
movie, except, if possible, more sad. Then
she played a Christian song which I’m okay with but bookending Jesus with
sangria didn’t seem very Evangelical, which this audience most definitely was. But they were really into it.
At the
first note, after Heather said the song was about God, Miss Nautical Bell
Sleeves (friend of the removed drunk) immediately stood and raised her right
hand in praise, having gotten The Spirit mixed in with the spirits. It was a bit much to take but I was too weighed
down by the meatballs to protest. At the
beginning of the second verse, a foursome of friends drunkenly stood, arms
linked in an awkward cheerleader/sorority Jenga fashion and it apparently
inspired Sister Bell Sleeves to go full on touchdown for Jesus with both hands
in the air, in praise or for balance, I wasn't sure.
At this,
one of our companions (I won’t say his name but it rhymes with Tim Wood) abruptly
stated, “I’m outta here” and left. I
concurred and followed as the show came to a close. My first foray into Heather Land-land will be
my last. I have no issue with alcohol,
sad music or a little bit of Jesus, but I’d rather have them individually, not grouped together. I mean, what am I, The Grand Ol' Opry?
