Define "High Maintenance", please

                Everyone who knows me knows that although I appear high maintenance, I am, indeed, not high maintenance.  Other than my sense of style, sarcastic wit and penchant for saying “okaaaay, gurl!” or “Look here, sister friend” more often than is typically warranted, I am not stereotypically gay, the people who invented High Maintenance, regardless what those Reality TV wives would like to believe.  And by sterotypically, I mean, I don’t have a beauty regimen, y’all.  I take a shower with shower gel and get my haircuts at Great Clips.  I know, I know, it’s a chain and like a royal on the outs with their family, I abhor, and try to avoid, chains.  But I have my reasons, mostly because I was tired of spending $60-75 for a mediocre haircut at a salon, when I can go to Great Clips, get the same mediocre haircut for $16 and then spend the remaining money on colored chinos, Starbucks iced tea or cinnamon rolls. 

                The universe and my circle of friends have conspired to turn me high maintenance, as to remove the cognitive dissonance they experience when I end up being all down-to-earth and stuff.  Until I moved to Southern California, I had never imagined a scenario where I would have a manicure or pedicure.  I could cut my own fingernails and the less anyone sees or touches my janky old-man feet, the better off we will all be.  

                My friend, let’s call her Curly Sue, is an avid fan of the mani-pedi experience.  When I good-naturedly mocked her beauty routine, she reminded me that I promised to always try something first before I pass judgment.  I agreed and went with her to Bliss Spa on Broadway (in Long Beach).  As the young lady (named Ivy) was soaking my feet, she asked if I wanted to add ‘callus removal’ to my treatment that day.  I replied, “That’s a thing?  Well, Ivy, you best get to gettin’ on these big ol’ yeti feet of mine, girl!” And she did, and I was hooked, do you hear me?  Now Curly Sue and I do mani/pedis followed by Thai food once a month and don’t you even think about asking me to reschedule or postpone.  I will turn seven shades of irritated, y’all, like a Dance Mom whose untalented daughter got cut from the drag queen’s dance troupe.  I binged a lot of reality TV the day after Thanksgiving, y'all.  

                I have also never included moisturizing in my bedtime rituals.  Previously I would simply brush my teeth, read my Bible (yes, I'm a better Christian than you), take my medicine and go to sleep.  Due to observing Ben’s regimen (lotions, moisturizers, occasionally calisthenics) I have changed my routine, but only adding lotion to my legs and arms, so my skin will retain its youthful glow, its color a familiar milky white with touches of pink and purple, not unlike one of those mother-of-pearl vases you bought your MeeMaw at the Dollar General.  I also use linen spray on my sheets and pillow because, well, I’m not an animal.

                Even though I know deep in their heart of hearts, my friends and acquaintances, understand that I am very low-key and easy-to-please, at Thanksgiving we played a game (the unimaginatively named The Voting Game) wherein everyone votes anonymously for whichever player best fits the descriptor on the card.  I was voted several things that were very flattering (Most Likely to have been voted Prom King (which I wasn’t, but my brother was) and Most Likely to be Read About in Your Grandchildren’s History Book (which would be cool and possible if all my Facebook friends would buy a copy of my second book, he said with exaggerated side-eye).  However, I was also voted Most Likely to have a Complicated Order at Starbucks.  With this title, I take umbrage.

                While I spend an inordinate amount of money at Starbucks, I think my order is fairly mundane.  It’s simply a Venti Black Iced Tea with 3 Splenda and No Water (the No Cane Sugar is unspoken and understood by the baristas, y’all).  How is that complicated?  I know Ben orders a Cappuccino with no other specifics other than size (always Grande), but if we’re comparing the world to him, everyone is high maintenance.  Other than his overly complex moisturizing/lotioning routine and his insistence on exercising every day, he is one of the least complicated people I’ve ever met.  You should have to compare me to someone like Leslie Jordan or Crispin Glover or Wallis Warfield Simpson, Duchess of Windsor.  Measured against those people, I’m like Saint Whoever (Catholics, help me out here), but with cuter outfits.

                Alas, I know that you have to compare me to “regular people”, like those voluntarily taking public transportation or shopping at The Wal-Mart, and so I will appear to be High Maintenance, my 27 pairs of colored chinos and 21 sweaters (even though I live in Southern California) notwithstanding.   So, I will accept the title thrust upon me; being named, well, The Most, I suppose.  Now that we’ve uncovered by heretofore hidden Most-ness, I'm not inclined to even finish...

Books are my Football and I'm Still Tired

If you’ve ever wondered why I am so good at trivia, the answer is that I read, literally, every day; mostly non-fiction.  I throw in a little fiction here and there when my brain needs to take a break.  I am currently reading several books, because that is how I roll.  One of them, The Book of Answers (BoA) edited by the Reference Librarian at the New York Public Library, is from 1990 and is filled with the most unusual and entertaining questions patrons have asked over the years.

One of the seven books on my bedside table, that is about to be put into rotation, once I finish the hilarious You Can’t Touch My Hair by Phoebe Robinson, is called Jenniemae & James by Brooke Newman.  I picked it up at the thrift store for $2 and it struck my fancy as the inside of the book jacket stated, “James Newman was a brilliant mathematician, the man who introduced the mathematical concept of ‘googol’ and ‘googolplex’.  Googol is 1 x 10¹⁰⁰, which is 10 with 100 zeroes after it.  It was, at one time, the largest number used in math.  I learned this bit of trivia from my high school Physics teacher, Albert Wood.  And, yes, it’s where the name of the company Google got its name. 

                One of the things that I dislike is when I read something that is simply untrue, and I know it’s untrue, but because it’s published or said with authority, other people are then misinformed.  For example, when I worked at Blockbuster Music (remember those?), I was surrounded by really dorky, music snobs who loved to blather on about esoteric musicians Yngwie Malmsteen but have no knowledge of normal songs and artists that customers want to buy. 

One day the Malmsteen fan answered the phone, said, “No way, man.  What a crazy question.  I guess you lose.” and hung up the phone.  I was curious what question he thought was crazy.  He said, “that guy asked if Patrick Swayze (the actor) ever had a hit record.  He had a bet with his friends.”

I replied, “Well, he did have a hit record.  ‘She’s Like the Wind’ went to #3 on the Billboard Hot 100 and #1 on the Adult Contemporary charts.  It’s from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.”

He said, “Well, how am I supposed to know that?”

I glared at him and his ponytail and said, “You could have asked someone.” I was irritated mostly because that poor guy was right and he'll lose a bet because he was unfortunate enough to call when I was on a Dr. Pepper break.

Then there was the time that I was reading some pretentious drivel in the late 90s and the author stated that Janet Jackson had starred in the sitcom The Jeffersons, which is not true.  She was in the cast of Good Times, Diff’rent Strokes and Fame as well as her family’s variety show, but she was not on The Jeffersons.  How did his editor not catch that?  I almost sent a letter of complaint, but it was the 90s and I was too busy rocking out to No Doubt and Nicki French.  Well, not so much rocking out as dancing like a sorority girl, but whatever.

Anyway, I was reading The BoA’s section on Science and it stated “(Googol) first used in 1940 by nine-year-old Milton Sirotta…It was brought to public attention by Sirotta’s uncle, mathematician Edward Kasner, in his book Mathematics and the Imagination.”

That information struck me as somewhat familiar, so I picked up Jenniemae and James to re-read the inside jacket; I needed to confirm what I had read.  I confirmed what I had read.  I discussed it with Ben.  We decided, coincidentally, to Google the information to see what I could find.  It turns out that Newman and Kasner co-authored the mathematics book, but Newman’s biography lists him as the person who came up with the word ‘googol’.  At least there was a measure of truth in both books; not comprehensive fact but not untrue either.

I was glad that there was no need to contact either or both publishers to help them see their error(s).  Ben congratulated me on my arm-chair editing.  Books are our Football, y’all.

This must be why I’m tired all the time.  You’re welcome.