It's a Year End Round-up, Y'all!

          It's the time of year for everyone, from Entertainment Weekly to Garden & Gun magazine, to recap their year.  We get lists of the Best and Worst in innumerable categories and I thought to myself, "Who am I to be different from other writers?"  So I give you my Top Events of 2018.
         1.  January - Ben and I celebrated the one-year anniversary of our first date.  If you had told me even at the beginning of 2017 that I would meet the man of my dreams, I would have thought you were still hung over from your post-New Year's revelry, yet here we are.  Yay me!
        2.  February - As we were not going to be together on Half-Price Candy Eve (otherwise known as Valentine's Day), Ben and I decided to celebrate the weekend before, returning to our favorite fancy restaurant, Parkers' Lighthouse.  After delicious seafood, he proposed; an event that was so far from what I had ever thought possible, I was caught completely off-guard and rendered, literally, speechless.  So speechless that while I cried a little bit and hugged him and proceeded to Google what hand you wear an engagement ring on if you are a dude, I forgot to say "YES!" leaving him momentarily concerned.
          3.  March - Being as conservative as me, Ben shared that he didn't want to move in together until were actually married.  Never one to dismiss people's values, we got married almost immediately, on March 12, at the courthouse.  Our "honeymoon" (if you want to call it that, and we most certainly do not) was a trip back to my alma mater in Mississippi for my 25th college reunion, where I also had a book signing and reading for Almost Odis, which had just been published the last day in December.  I am halfway to being a Golden Girl, which is what MUW calls the graduates who have reached their 50th reunion year.  I feel sure there are many who would say I am already a Golden Girl, most likely Dorothy.  I was able to take Ben to Louisiana (we flew into New Orleans) and Alabama (we literally drove past the state line, took a photo and immediately returned to MS).
          4.  April - This month was focused on talking.  I spoke at the TORCH (Texas Organization for Rural Clinics and Hospitals) State Conference on "How to Build a Dynamic Leadership Team" and had an impromptu book signing in the lobby of the hotel.  I also returned to the boons of my youth and spoke to the senior class of Rivercrest High School (accidentally cursing while imparting my wisdom) and held a successful book reading and signing at the Community Center, followed by an even more successful potluck lunch and gossip/reminiscing session that lasted until late in the evening and included fans from as far away as Omaha (Texas, that is).  I also had a book signing at the Barnes & Noble in Long Beach where I sold 30 books and the staff agreed to keep my title on the shelf for the foreseeable future, ensuring I felt all successful and whatnot.  However, to keep it all in balance, I sold exactly one copy of Almost Odis at Vroman's Bookstore in Pasadena.
          5.  June - We moved into a new, larger apartment and The Sister visited for her annual trek out to the West Coast to laugh, sleep, float in the pool and eat Nick's Butter Cake.  After explaining what frolicking was, Ben and Shontyl frolicked all up and down the beach at Laguna Beach, while PawPaw Dusty observed from a surprisingly comfortable bench in the shade.
          6.  July - traveled to Greece, via Boston for BFF Christopher's Birthday on Mykonos Island, the nightclub of the Greek Isles.  We stayed in a lovely villa with bad plumbing so we couldn't flush paper products down the toilet and had to keep them in a lovely can next to the toilet.  I traveled thousands of miles and spent thousands of dollars to relive my childhood in a hunting cabin, except with beaches and Eurotrash.  We did have delicious food, though.
          7.  September - I started my new job at the VA Long Beach.  My dream job that I wasn't even aware was a job until it was created.  I am the Chief Experience Officer, which pretty much means, if VA Long Beach was a college, I am the Dean of Students.  I am finally putting both my degrees to good use, which is wonderful considering I've been paying graduate school student loans for 20 years, so far.  Yay me!
         8.  October - Ben and I celebrated our birthdays by attending an album launch party in LA with my good friend/actor/musician John Kapelos, he of 'Breakfast Club', 'Seinfeld' and 'The Shape of Water' fame.  We got hob-nob with all sorts of actors and producers and singers.  It was a veritable who's who of 80s and 90s character actors, like Bad Billy Pratt from 'Overboard'.  We also ate red velvet churros for the first time.  Our church also moved into its new building at Westminster Mall, so every Sunday I know worship between JC Penney and Victoria's Secret, which is fitting, I suppose.
         9.  November - I took Ben to meet the rest of the family in Ohio, where my brother and his family reside (Dayton) with The Dad.  The visit went well and The Dad was as charming as he could be, only farting and blaming Ben twice.  Lots of red meat and visits to Cracker Barrel were enjoyed.
        10.  December - We returned to the Panhandle of Texas (Amarillo) for our annual Christmas jaunt to the boonies, staying with my niece Payton and her lovely cowboy hubby, Colten.  It was our first chance to meet my newest Great Niece, Acey Elizabeth, and spend time with her slightly older sibling, Slade Catherine, along with my sister.  Ben showed he was the baby whisperer and I demonstrated that I was still the uncle who buys things so as to not have to change diapers or rock children to sleep.  We enjoyed delicious home-cooked meals and dangerous amounts of queso, sweet tea and sopapilla cheesecake and introduced Ben to the wonder that is Fried Twinkies and Payton's heart-stopping 4-cheese macaroni and cheese.  We were the envy of our fellow passengers on the flight home when our in-flight snacks were leftover Ribeye steak and Chicken & Dressing.  You can take the redneck out of the boonies...
          2018 was a fantastic year and I can't wait to see what 2019 brings.  I hope to finish my next book some time in 2019, so keep your eyes peeled for an announcement.  While you are waiting, you should read either A Gone Pecan or Almost Odis.  You can find both on Amazon or AuthorHouse or contact me for an autographed copy of Almost Odis.
          Happy New Year, y'all!
       
       

Gap Year on a Greyhound Bus

               I recently read several memoirs referencing someone’s Gap Year, an event more common in Europe than the US, but also typically available only to those college graduates from families of wealth or stature.  During their Gap Year most students gain life experiences, often through internships, volunteering in a service program, learning a new language or indulging in artistic pursuits.

                Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a member of a wealthy family, and while I am seventeen kinds of fancy now, I most certainly wasn’t when I graduated from college in 1993 and returned to the bustling metropolis of Tylertown, Mississippi.  My triumphant return to the boons of my youth (having moved 5 whole hours away from my family in an effort to live “somewhere else”) found me clad in pleated shorts with a braided belt and Birkenstocks, and rocking a goatee, do you hear me? 

I don’t know if I was delusional, scared, forgetful or simply unaware that one is supposed to find a job before one receives one’s diploma from one’s college, but I returned to the Cream Pitcher of Mississippi armed solely with a very expensive piece of parchment, bereft of position. Unsure what my next step would be, I received a fortuitous invitation from my college bestie (John Allen) to travel out of the country to visit his family at their lodge on the shores of Lake Kakagi, or Crow Lake if you don’t care about the Native American way of life or language, which is rude.  Allen’s Crow Lake Lodge is located just outside the charming Nestor Falls, Ontario, Canada.

When I presented the plan to my parents, The Dad looked at me like I looked at him that Christmas he gave me a rifle instead of an argyle sweater.  My mother asked how much I thought it would cost to fly.  Unsure, we researched it and after a few calculations, she informed me that our family was wealthy enough to offer a Gap Fortnight via Greyhound Bus.

Surprised and excited we could afford anything, I proudly boarded that majestic transporter of common folk, in McComb, Mississippi and arrived only a short 36 hours later in Duluth, Minnesota, where John’s brother lived.  From there it was a short drive to Ontario.  This was, of course, way back in the day when all you needed to cross into this outpost of Great Britain was a valid driver’s license.    

I boarded the bus, full of excitement, which turned to wonder, which turned to confusion as to why the floor was sticky and why it smelled like urine.  I perused the faces and outfits of my fellow passengers and found none to my liking, taking a seat by myself, filling the adjacent seat with my travel accoutrement.  The driver told me I had to share my seat with someone.  I informed him that he should fill the bus around me and if, at that time, there was a need for someone to sit in the adjoining seat, I would gladly let them.

After a bus change in Memphis there was a 4-hour layover in Chicago, where the sweet lady who ran the lunch counter let me sit behind it with her because, “[you] don’t look like you belong here, hon”.  I concurred and ate my complimentary pie and coffee with 24 inches of Formica countertop between me and the unwashed masses.  What?  I’m not being a snob, I promise you I smelled ‘armpit’ and ‘butt crack’ and ‘cigarette smoke’ in equal measure. 

After we re-boarded, I spent the trip to our next bus change in Madison, Wisconsin, steadfastly avoiding eye contact with the elderly gentleman across the aisle whose left hand remained down the front of his pants, while his right hand shoveled Funyuns into his gaping maw.  Okay, that was somewhat snobbish.  Mea culpa. 

Suffice it to say, I arrived in the sparkling city of Duluth (Germanic Midwesterners are tidy, y’all; no litter and no grafitti!), and was met with a banner unfurled welcoming me to the Great North.   After a quick stay in Duluth we headed north to Ontario where I spent the next two weeks doing my version of outdoor activities like:

·         Pretending to enjoy catching, cleaning and cooking fish; actually enjoying eating it;

·         Popping a wheelie in a canoe because I weighed at least 100 pounds more than my passenger (cabin boy Stephen; his paddle didn’t even touch the water, he was so far in the air);

·         Being pushed off a 60-foot cliff into water so clear you could actually see me struggling not to drown;

·         Inadvertently shoplifting a braided leather bracelet on our one trip into town, because I got so excited that trendy accessories actually fit my meaty wrist; and 

·         Being too fat and/or uncoordinated enough to water ski for the first time.  It didn’t even work with me trying to start from a sitting position on the end of the dock. 

John returned me from my successful Gap Fortnight via a non-stop road trip from Ontario, Canada to New Orleans in a gold Ford Tempo with a cat, cooler full of baloney sandwiches and Mello Yello, ketchup-flavored chips (popular in Ontario) and enough No-Doz to keep 67 college students awake for finals.  I don’t remember much from that road trip except that we either experienced or hallucinated a tornado in Missouri and drove so fast past the St. Louis Arch that, to this day, I am uncertain if I saw it.

If the measure of success of an experience is that you learned something, I can say this was a successful Gap Fortnight.  If nothing else, it drove me to graduate school to ensure a future with enough money to fly wherever I needed to go, resulting in the bougie wonder you know and love.

Carpe Experientia, y’all!