Gap Year on a Greyhound Bus

               I recently read several memoirs referencing someone’s Gap Year, an event more common in Europe than the US, but also typically available only to those college graduates from families of wealth or stature.  During their Gap Year most students gain life experiences, often through internships, volunteering in a service program, learning a new language or indulging in artistic pursuits.

                Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a member of a wealthy family, and while I am seventeen kinds of fancy now, I most certainly wasn’t when I graduated from college in 1993 and returned to the bustling metropolis of Tylertown, Mississippi.  My triumphant return to the boons of my youth (having moved 5 whole hours away from my family in an effort to live “somewhere else”) found me clad in pleated shorts with a braided belt and Birkenstocks, and rocking a goatee, do you hear me? 

I don’t know if I was delusional, scared, forgetful or simply unaware that one is supposed to find a job before one receives one’s diploma from one’s college, but I returned to the Cream Pitcher of Mississippi armed solely with a very expensive piece of parchment, bereft of position. Unsure what my next step would be, I received a fortuitous invitation from my college bestie (John Allen) to travel out of the country to visit his family at their lodge on the shores of Lake Kakagi, or Crow Lake if you don’t care about the Native American way of life or language, which is rude.  Allen’s Crow Lake Lodge is located just outside the charming Nestor Falls, Ontario, Canada.

When I presented the plan to my parents, The Dad looked at me like I looked at him that Christmas he gave me a rifle instead of an argyle sweater.  My mother asked how much I thought it would cost to fly.  Unsure, we researched it and after a few calculations, she informed me that our family was wealthy enough to offer a Gap Fortnight via Greyhound Bus.

Surprised and excited we could afford anything, I proudly boarded that majestic transporter of common folk, in McComb, Mississippi and arrived only a short 36 hours later in Duluth, Minnesota, where John’s brother lived.  From there it was a short drive to Ontario.  This was, of course, way back in the day when all you needed to cross into this outpost of Great Britain was a valid driver’s license.    

I boarded the bus, full of excitement, which turned to wonder, which turned to confusion as to why the floor was sticky and why it smelled like urine.  I perused the faces and outfits of my fellow passengers and found none to my liking, taking a seat by myself, filling the adjacent seat with my travel accoutrement.  The driver told me I had to share my seat with someone.  I informed him that he should fill the bus around me and if, at that time, there was a need for someone to sit in the adjoining seat, I would gladly let them.

After a bus change in Memphis there was a 4-hour layover in Chicago, where the sweet lady who ran the lunch counter let me sit behind it with her because, “[you] don’t look like you belong here, hon”.  I concurred and ate my complimentary pie and coffee with 24 inches of Formica countertop between me and the unwashed masses.  What?  I’m not being a snob, I promise you I smelled ‘armpit’ and ‘butt crack’ and ‘cigarette smoke’ in equal measure. 

After we re-boarded, I spent the trip to our next bus change in Madison, Wisconsin, steadfastly avoiding eye contact with the elderly gentleman across the aisle whose left hand remained down the front of his pants, while his right hand shoveled Funyuns into his gaping maw.  Okay, that was somewhat snobbish.  Mea culpa. 

Suffice it to say, I arrived in the sparkling city of Duluth (Germanic Midwesterners are tidy, y’all; no litter and no grafitti!), and was met with a banner unfurled welcoming me to the Great North.   After a quick stay in Duluth we headed north to Ontario where I spent the next two weeks doing my version of outdoor activities like:

·         Pretending to enjoy catching, cleaning and cooking fish; actually enjoying eating it;

·         Popping a wheelie in a canoe because I weighed at least 100 pounds more than my passenger (cabin boy Stephen; his paddle didn’t even touch the water, he was so far in the air);

·         Being pushed off a 60-foot cliff into water so clear you could actually see me struggling not to drown;

·         Inadvertently shoplifting a braided leather bracelet on our one trip into town, because I got so excited that trendy accessories actually fit my meaty wrist; and 

·         Being too fat and/or uncoordinated enough to water ski for the first time.  It didn’t even work with me trying to start from a sitting position on the end of the dock. 

John returned me from my successful Gap Fortnight via a non-stop road trip from Ontario, Canada to New Orleans in a gold Ford Tempo with a cat, cooler full of baloney sandwiches and Mello Yello, ketchup-flavored chips (popular in Ontario) and enough No-Doz to keep 67 college students awake for finals.  I don’t remember much from that road trip except that we either experienced or hallucinated a tornado in Missouri and drove so fast past the St. Louis Arch that, to this day, I am uncertain if I saw it.

If the measure of success of an experience is that you learned something, I can say this was a successful Gap Fortnight.  If nothing else, it drove me to graduate school to ensure a future with enough money to fly wherever I needed to go, resulting in the bougie wonder you know and love.

Carpe Experientia, y’all!

Would Clint Eastwood Make a Movie About Clothes?

              As you know I pride myself in always looking my best regardless of the circumstances.  I have stuck to this mantra until very recently and under extreme circumstances.  Anyone who moves to Southern California and questions the lack of central air in most homes and apartments is told, in a ridiculously condescending manner, “It doesn’t get humid enough to need air conditioning.”  Lies!  Lies and vicious rumors!!  These past few weeks have been New Orleans humid and Mississippi hot and I am not happy about it.  Homophobia is only 30% of why I left the South; the other 70% was attempting to escape the humidity and that whole ‘gravy as a beverage’ lifestyle.  I was fat, y’all. 

                Due to this unfortunate weather change, I have resorted to wearing shorts and polos each weekend, except at church.  I am all about inclusivity at church, but I would rather not see the knees and toes of my fellow worshippers, some of whom appear capable of climbing trees like a sloth.  And I am referring to the animal, not the deadly sin.  I don’t like my toes, much less anyone else’s but I feel I should give a shout out to the women who keep their toes ‘did’. 

                This change in my wardrobe and my Bible Study ‘homework’ of being less focused on ‘things’, has me dressing more like the average person and while I am dealing with those issues, it has started to impact my life in unexpected ways.  I have shared with y’all how I am treated when I am dressed in my normal manner and there are many upsides to it; however, there were downsides as well and I never realized it until I became much more relaxed in my wardrobe choices.  I will share with you forthwith:

The Good:

1. I always get better service while shopping.
2. Strangers often ask me for fashion advice.  Sometimes I offer my advice if I feel they need it, either to give a vote of confidence to someone unsure of their new look or to avert a disaster in the making.
3. I have been offered an interior designer’s discount while shopping for home furnishings at places like West Elm.
4. More than 20 years after graduation I am still consulted by friends and fraternity brothers on wardrobe questions and I gladly offer my advice.  I appreciate the fact they care enough to ask.
5. People have told me a compliment from me means more to them than one from someone less, shall we say, fashion forward.

The Bad:

1. Upon my initial visit to any new doctor’s office, the staff thinks I am a drug rep, and one without snacks, so I am not necessarily greeted in a timely manner.
2. If I wear my fire engine red chinos to Target I am mistaken for a manager.  I’ve stopped correcting the shoppers who stop me and simply answer their questions or take them to the appropriate aisle or hand them off to customer service.  I guess I’m a Target volunteer at this point.
3. If I go directly to a mall after work wearing my suit, I am mistaken for a jewelry store employee, which is either an insult or a compliment depending on the jewelry store.  Tiffany’s, I’ll take.  Zale’s, not so much.
4. If I go to Starbucks directly from work, without my suit jacket but still wearing my tie, I am often mistaken for a bank employee and was once caught up in a Wells Fargo/Bank of America shouting match in the parking lot of a Starbucks. 

The Ugly:

1. Many people assume I am constantly judging, which is not always the case.  TO be fair I am always judging the sharing of the toes, but otherwise not so much.   To be clear, I am constantly assessing, but I am not always critiquing and I typically share my opinion only when is it is solicited.  I try to never be rude; my mother raised me better than that.

          The moment I can retire these shorts and polos and return to my glory days as a fashion plate, I'll be sure and let you know.  Maybe I'll post photos.  And that is all I'm saying for now.