The Dad Said What?

          The Dad seems happy to be in The Boonies again.  He just had a minor outpatient procedure and I called my sister to find out how he was feeling.  When she said, "Well, he's been griping that the doctors don't know what they're doing" I knew he was feeling good.  When he feels bad he doesn't talk.  When he is telling somebody all about themselves, he is rarin' to go.
       
            I have been keeping notes, of late, of some of the things The Dad says when we have our weekend talk or when he calls me 72 times per day when he needs me to do something for him and he imagines I am paid to sit at work, waiting for him to call, because heaven help me if I don't answer on the first ring.  Here is a transcript of the last voicemail he left me.
         "Ah ha, yes!  This is the proud...pa...uh...pa...whatever...to the...uh...well, shit, I don't know what I was gonna say.  I was just gonna ask you a question.  Call me back.  Bye."
          When I did return his call, he told me, "That dog you bought me (for Father's Day, as an attempt to ease the loss of Lulu) is broken.  There's somethin' wrong with it."
          "What did it do?" I asked.
          "It won't go to the bathroom when I tell it to."  
          "Well maybe it didn't have to go."
          "It needs to sh!t when I tell it to."
          "Um...okay."

           Another call was about my sister.  He said, "Does your sister think I have lace on my panties?"  I said, "That's a lot of weird words strung together there, Pater."
           He said, 'Well she must think I do because she bought me some soap that smells like lavender."
           I was impressed he could discern 'lavender' as a scent.  I said, "Well you sure are fancy to know it was lavender."
         "It said 'lavender' on the wrapper, dumb butt."
         I said, "And here I thought you were getting fancy on me."

          This past weekend, he said, "You know I'm gonna die soon."
          I said, "Probably.  You are really old.  However, why are you thinking that today?"
          "Well, the doctor said if my stent didn't work, I might have to have open heart surgery."
          I said, "I thought the stent worked?  Aren't you already home from the hospital?"
          He said, "Yeah, but what if it doesn't work?"
          "But it did."
          "Yeah.  I guess so."
          I said, "Look, you've outlived anyone's expectations.  Seriously, you should have died long ago.  You've survived 8 heart attacks, what you call a mini-stroke, chronic diabetes and you've been overweight since the late 70s.  And, you smoked 4 packs a day for 60 years. Winston's.  Unfiltered.  Every day above ground is a gift, Old Man."
          He said, "Well, I guess you're right, JD.  I'm gonna hang up now.  My ear is startin' to sweat and I'm all outta talkin'.  Love you, Butt Wipe.  Bye."  

          I mean, what do you say to that?