Does Proximity to Sports Make Me Sporty?

            One of the upsides to having a Google phone is the monthly Google Maps Timeline Update. It tells me how many places I visited and how many miles I’ve traveled. It’s creepy that it collects all this data about me, but at this point, it’s nothing new.

            Recently I reviewed the report and realized that Google Maps Timeline categorizes the places I’ve visited: Shopping (346 places), Food & Drink (284), Culture (37), Attractions (12), Hotels (38), Airports (15) and Sports (7). Sports? Per Google Maps, I’ve visited 7 sports locations in the last three years.

            This is proof that computers are not yet sentient. If anyone or anything had spent any time around me or simply heard the noises I make whenever I stand up, they would know I don’t ‘do’ sports. I haven’t ‘done’ sports since my ill-fated bike ride across the Golden Gate Bridge in 2012 when I lived in the Bay Area. Amused and intrigued, I was compelled to investigate what Google defines as a sport. I invite you to meander with me through the list and uncover the secrets of my sporting life.

 1.      Chuze Fitness (Westminster, CA) – a gym that is adjacent to my church. And by adjacent, I mean directly above. Open Door Ministries is housed in Westminster Mall in Orange County. We are below the gym, next to JC Penney and diagonally across from Wetzel’s Pretzels. Sanctification never smelled so sweet.

2.      Coyote Hills Golf Course (Fullerton, CA) – the location of a wedding Ben and I attended last year. It was a traditional Indian wedding with multiple events and plenty of food, all of it too spicy for Uncle Dusty’s delicate tastebuds, until I (accidentally) spooned cardamom ice cream over everything thinking it was some sort of sour cream derivative. Odd? Yes. Delicious? Also, yes.

3.      Troy Memorial Stadium (Troy, OH) – the location of the Troy Strawberry Festival we attended during our Thompson Sibling Road Trip last summer. Strawberry popcorn? Delicious! Pork sandwich with Strawberry BBQ sauce? Life-changing, y’all.

4.      CrossFit Dedication Gym (Dayton, OH) – an actual gymnasium where my brother and sister-in-law (Thorn & Wendy) go to actually work out. Crazy, right? Shontyl (also not sporty) and I dropped by to meet their workout team and stayed long enough to say Hi before we drove to McAlister’s where I ordered a nacho basket and a bucket of iced tea.

5.      Bixby Village Golf Course (Long Beach, CA) – the site of Crave Burgers, the best burger I have ever eaten in the 48 states I’ve visited. I’ve not eaten a burger abroad.

6.      Orangetheory Fitness (Long Beach, CA) – All I know is it’s sandwiched between White Wasabi Sushi and Chronic Tacos, two of my go-to restaurants for a quick bite. The Orangetheory employees gaze at me through the picture window with a mixture of condescension and pity, while I slowly dip my tater tots in white queso.

7.      Cagban Jetty Port (Boracay, Philippines) – where Ben and I departed for our parasailing jaunt during our honeymoon four months before Covid. And by parasailing jaunt I mean when Ben parasailed, and I sipped a mango shake from the safety of the boat dock.        

Conclusion: As per usual, I was near sporty things, but not actively engaged in anything sporty, other than frequently wearing a sweater vest from Polo Golf.

            Mystery solved.

            And now I’m hungry.