I spent my childhood smack dab in the middle of the
Fundagelical paradise known as The Deep South (LA, MS, TX), specifically within
the confines of the Southern Baptist Church.
Southern Baptists set themselves apart from other Fundagelicals in many ways,
but the most interesting and least understood is their view on beverages,
especially those consumed on the grounds of the church.
Baptists
don’t drink alcohol at home, so why would they defile the sanctity of the
church by drinking actual wine during the Lord’s Supper, which is what we call
Communion. It’s the main reason Baptists
think Catholics are headed straight to hell.
That and their worship of Mary, Jesus’ Mama. The Baptist interpretation of verses found in
the Bible when referring to wine, is that it is often called new wine, which to
them means unfermented grapes which is grape juice. Ah, grape juice. The nectar of the god, or rather, God. I know, what you’re going to say. What about the wine at that wedding in Cana? To that they will say, it was also grape juice. If you press any further, they will call a
prayer circle about the condition of your soul.
Baptists
think Mormons are in a cult and that is unacceptable. However, Baptists do insist on the children
“drinking the Kool-Aid”. The way it is
not cult-like is the fact that the Kool-Aid is served in Children’s Church or
Vacation Bible School or other moments when children should be seen and not
heard. Of course, the recipe does
nothing to encourage enjoyment or fun as the recipe seems to be nine parts
water, one part Kool-Aid mix, one part prayer and one more part water, just in
case. Red Kool-Aid, which is a flavor by
the way, was something precious, akin to Frankincense and/or Myrrh. How else would you explain the all-encompassing
need to water it down to a shade of red that more closely resembles the color
of your white underwear after it’s been washed and dried with a new red t-shirt
because you can’t be bothered to listen to your mother when she gives you
specific laundry instructions, Dustin Terryll.
The
most important water, Baptistry Water, plays a very important part in baptism,
the full immersion kind. The best way to
describe the baptistry in a Baptist church is to imagine there is a hot tub
behind a curtain directly behind the choir loft which is directly behind the
altar where the preacher preaches and the unclean become ‘washed in the
blood’. Right above the hot tub may be a
simple cross. There will not be a
carving of Jesus hanging on that cross, because that reeks of Catholicism and
we are having none of that all up and through here, do you hear me? Back to the water: the best way to ensure you
are well and truly saved is a full immersion baptism, like John did for Jesus
in the Bible, y’all. Real Christians
don’t get sprinkled with water like those uppity Presbyterians. You must be held under the water for a minute
or two, so you can let your old spirit die there in the watery depths like the
victims of a shark or jellyfish (if you’re allergic). Only then can you say that you are
saved. Sprinkles are for cupcakes,
heathen.
According
to Dolly Parton, sweet tea is the house wine of the South. While we don’t necessarily like that
language, sweet tea is everywhere, especially during the dinners-on-the-grounds
that happen every month where there are five Sundays as well as Easter and
Mother’s Day. It was all a part of the tradition
that allowed you to discuss the various sins of the other Baptists, who
happened to sit at a different table than you.
If you fell into a discussion of the strength (or lack) of their walk or
their level of maturity as a Christian and what, specifically, they need to do
to atone themselves in your…I mean, Jesus’s eyes, it wasn’t gossip; it was
fellowship.
Finally,
there is a particular beverage, served at Baptist weddings, that only exists in
space and time next to a cake, several bowls of Jordan Almonds and nowhere near
anything resembling food. Baptist
Wedding Punch is delicious and helps you identify the female members of the
wedding party. Any young lady who is
wearing a dress the same color as the punch is a bridesmaid. The recipe consists of your choice of the three
flavors of sherbet available at the Piggly Wiggly (orange, lime or raspberry)
mixed with Sprite or any off-brand lemon-lime soda. Ginger Ale comes from Canada and we are not
having any of that Yankee nonsense.
Obviously, this limits your color
schemes to variations on pastels. If you
are looking for colors outside that narrow list, your heart is not right with
God. Yellow means you are a hippy and
worthy of scorn. Brown means you are
tacky and is proof you weren’t ‘raised right’.
Black means you are trying to be fancy like an Episcopalian and they
worship Queen Elizabeth II or some other gobbledygook and you need to sit down
and listen while grown folks tell you all about yourself. If you are planning red dresses for your
bridesmaids, you are a harlot. And not
like that heroine/wayward soul Rahab, who helped the Israelites capture Jericho. You’re like Jezebel right before she was torn
asunder by dogs, much like your marriage will be torn asunder by Satan himself.
Now that you understand a little
more about the Baptist section of the Fundagelical Buffet, you can loosen up
that Bible Belt, grab your choice of the aforementioned beverages and get to
fellowshipping with your brethren and sistren about all the poor souls who are
not as sanctified or enlightened. But
don’t enjoy yourself too much. Church is
about anguish and laying (figuratively) prostrate on the altar, waiting to
receive atonement. If you want to have
fun, go be a Methodist. They may smile
and clap without repercussion, but we all know where they’re spending eternity. That’s right, smack dab in the Lake of Fire,
y’all. And no beverage, Baptist or
otherwise, will quench your eternal thirst.
Nothing but the (figurative) blood, brought to you by Welch’s.
Can I get an Amen?
