Saturday, October 7, 2017

Is Pennywise a Fashionista?

                It’s October and my friends and neighbors of the heathen variety have begun decorating for their favorite pagan holiday.  I’m kidding, of course, but I always say an extra prayer or two for these particular sinners this time of the year.  Namaste, or whatever.

                Talk of Halloween always leads to talk of fear – what scares people, why, how can (you) scare someone without getting beat up, etc.  I have some very specific but not uncommon fears:  clowns, small dark spaces, white people in large groups, flip flops and jeans.  Wait, that last one is a pet peeve more than a fear, but it’s awful nonetheless.  Other pet peeves include forced small talk in social situations, people who laugh at their own jokes, wasted potential and vegan dishes with the single exception of the Vegan Chocolate Cake from Whole Foods.

                The reason I was thinking of scary things was I noticed the storm drains while walking to my favorite breakfast place in my neighborhood, Chuck’s Coffee Shop.  I am consistently hyper-aware of storm drains ever since I watched Stephen King’s It on VHS in college; it messed me up, y’all.  That was in 1992 and I still cannot walk past a storm drain at night without moving to the middle of the street.  Even in the day time I am loath to walk directly by them, ever alert to the possibility of a clown, balloon or both. 

                It occurred to me that you could scare many people by simply tying a red balloon to a storm drain, not to mention if you placed a clown mask just inside the drain itself.

                I have seen the commercials for the new, updated movie, It.  I have also seen numerous photos of the restyled Pennywise the Clown, sent from my thinking-they-are-funny-but-they-are-not friends.  Of course, he’s terrifying at first glance.  However, one thing caught my eye the last time I quickly scanned the photo before screaming and throwing it across the room.  When I am frightened, I do not freeze in fear.  My first instinct, when scared, is to hit/throw and then run, like if Mike Tyson and Usain Bolt had a child, except pale and out of shape.  Okay, maybe not like Mr. Tyson and Mr. Bolt.  How about if Lord Grantham (from Downton Abbey) and Beverly Leslie (from Will & Grace) had a son?

                What I noticed was Pennywise’s outfit.  It’s an odd mix of styles.  It’s King Louis XIV meets Moulin Rouge meets Gene Simmons (from Kiss) preparing to sit for a portrait by Vermeer.  I mean, who decided mid-calf ruffles and bows would inspire terror?  And wouldn’t a cotton or lace ruff (that fluffy cravat-gone-awry) inhibit you from properly unhinging your jaw like any self-respecting creature intent on killing and/or maiming?  Not to mention, who wears white in the sewer?  Even the proud lineage of wash-n-wear polyester has its stain-resistant limits.

                The ensemble looks very specific, almost as if it were custom-made.  Wouldn’t that be an interesting design consultation?  Did he and the designer argue whether or not three red puff balls down the front of the outfit was more menacing than four?  Was he attempting to use the high waist and peplum as some sort of treatise on the torturous rule of French Royalty or did he simply think something so fashion-forward would frighten the tacky masses?  Suffice it to say, whatever Mr. Pennywise wanted, he got.  You would be forced to say yes to that particular style of dress or have your soul eaten or whatever he does to people, I’ve purposefully forgotten.

                The original Pennywise dressed like Bozo the Clown.  It was frightening in its familiarity underscored with malevolence.  He looked like any other random creepy clown at a circus, birthday party, driving a panel van for kidnapping purposes.  This new couture Pennywise is entirely something else, and I wonder if It’s actually scary.  If your entrance into a room would cause Tim Gunn to question your level of taste, as opposed to, say, flee in fear, you may have miscalculated your 'look'.

                Is Pennywise from the past?  The future?  Are flounces making an unwelcome comeback much like acid washed denim?  I love a turtleneck but I am not prepared to embrace the ruff, lace or otherwise.  And no one can pull off a peplum, y’all.  Seriously, no one.  Maybe Portia DeRossi DeGeneres, but even then I'm unsure.

                I am assuming his ensemble was a risky choice designed to lull his victims into an initial lack of fear so he could kill them more easily.  I don’t know if Pennywise was overthinking it or if I am but it feels like someone was trying too hard and that’s more sad than scary.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Just a Normal Wednesday at Work

          From time to time there are those who ask, 'What exactly do you do at work every day?"  It's an interesting question and I understand not everyone has an idea of what the Assistant Director of the VA Long Beach Healthcare System would do on any given day other than attend meetings, wearing a suit.  Truth be told, I do attend a lot of meetings and I do wear many beautiful suits with coordinating ties and pocket squares.  I sometimes attend pre-meeting meetings, which are actually a thing; luckily they are the exception rather than the rule.
          One of the things I get to do and one I enjoy is speaking to groups of people whether to support, inspire, educate or simply entertain.  The Dad says I should be thankful I "get paid to talk" and I am very thankful.  Days like today, I relish the opportunity to offer demonstrable support to the remarkable people who do wonderful work for our veterans.
          This morning, I was honored to represent VA Long Beach at the Annual Community Behavioral Health Summit in Orange County.  It is a collaboration between VA and our community partners to address mental health issues among our veteran population with this year's emphasis on ending veteran suicide.  I thought I would share with you my opening remarks.
          "Good morning.  It is my privilege to welcome you to the Annual Community Behavioral Health Summit.  This event is an integral part of our ongoing journey to end veteran suicide.  This year's theme '22' is a number with which we are all familiar and one we want to improve.  It's the number of veterans who commit suicide every day.  It's easy for people to say to us, "Let's end veteran suicide"; it is difficult to do, especially considering more than 60 % of the veterans who complete suicide are not receiving care at any VA medical center or clinic.
          Recognizing we cannot address this challenge alone, we seek to collaborate with you, our community partners, to develop creative, meaningful solutions to get our message of help and hope to our veterans wherever they live and whatever their circumstances.  We want to ensure those who need our services are helped in a timely and comprehensive manner.
          While VA has made strides with presumptive diagnoses for PTSD and TBI (in those returning home from the most recent conflicts) and expansion of tele-mental health programs.  Department of Defense is beginning to partner with us to share medical histories of those leaving service, but there are still gaps in reaching those who needs us, especially considering the veteran population is seemingly wired to believe that asking for help is a weakness.
          My father is an Army vet from the Vietnam Era and has suffered for years with depression and what seems to be undiagnosed PTSD.  He refuses to address his need for mental health services because he has said many times, "I'm Airborne.  I can deal with anything.  I don't need no shrink."
          We want you to know we know your work is an uphill battle and we applaud your willingness to tackle this challenge.  We also want you to know our support for your work will not waver and our trust in your ability to end veteran suicide is steadfast. 
          We truly thank you for what you have and will continue to accomplish.  We wish you Godspeed in these life-saving endeavors which continue here today and throughout what we know will ultimately be a successful collaboration to end veteran suicide in Southern California.
          But we need you to remember to practice self-care.  You are too important to forget about taking care of you.  You must do everything you teach others to do to ensure you are in peak fighting form every day.  This is a battle for the lives of our heroes and you are the key component in our strategy to win this battle.
          You are the deliverers of exceptional mental healthcare and if I can leave you with one thought, it would be this:  Never forget you are not alone in this fight for our veterans' lives.  We are here to support you so you can be there to save them.
          Thank you."

          There are many wonderful things happening at the VA every day.  I guess I don't share enough of the great work we accomplish each and every day.  I think I will start by giving you some insight into at least what we're doing here in Long Beach, California, where we have same day Primary Care and Mental Health walk-in clinics, just to give two examples.  It's how we are trying to meet and exceed the expectations of our Nation's Finest and I am so very proud to call this organization and it's many talented and compassionate employees, my home team.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Why on Earth Do They Have Wings?

Recently my church put together care packages for the homeless.  In each package, there were items like a toothbrush and toothpaste, lotion, razors, shampoo, Q-tips, socks and a $5-10.  Along with those we had smaller additional bags with snacks, like trail mix and granola bars.  There were also additional bags with feminine hygiene products, for the female homeless we unfortunately have here in Southern California.  I don’t know why, but it bothers me much more when I see a homeless woman than when I see a homeless man. 

However, I was excited about these additional female-centric bags as I know of several homeless women who spend time in and around the shopping center parking lot, across the street from my medical center.  I go there almost every day to get my iced tea at the Starbucks located just inside the front door of Target.  Full disclosure, I go there six days a week and they make my drink (along with my co-worker Melissa’s drink) a soon as they see us enter the store.  I don’t know whether to be flattered or embarrassed, so I choose to be flattered.  I do not have an addiction to tea, he said defensively.

                I took five of the large packages as well as the snack bags as there are a surprising number of homeless on my drive to work, even though the commute is less than two miles.  I also took three of the female packages as I thought I might be able to help the ladies around the Target.  I refer to them as the Ladies of Target but I realize, as I type this, you might confuse them with the wonderful ladies who work at said Target and I don’t want to upset them, as they hold the keys to my happiness; mostly iced tea and the occasional bag of Pop Chips.

                As the week went by, I was able to navigate the appropriate and safe lane changes to come into contact with the homeless on my trips to and from work, errands, dinner and, let’s be honest, shopping.  However, I ran out of bags before I saw any of the homeless women.  I began to notice that I had not noticed them in the week or so since I became well-supplied to offer assistance.  I am unsure if they have found housing or moved away or something more nefarious has happened.

                Truth be told, since I have been out of town on a whirlwind speaking tour of Central Texas (and by whirlwind, I mean I spoke at one conference, but they paid me to speak so, yay me!) I had completely forgotten about the small bags filled with bags of tampons (and I apologize to my sister Shontyl, for having just typed that particular word) sitting on the floorboard in the back seat of my car.

                Their presence was brought to my attention this morning when Ben opened the back door of the car to place the groceries on the back seat after our jaunt to Trader Joe’s.  He asked, with great concern in his voice, “BooBoo (he calls me BooBoo), what is in this bag?”

                I replied, “Oh, it’s just tampons for homeless people.”

                He asked, “Oh?  Do they require these items?”

                I said, “Well some of them do but I couldn’t find them so I now have a bag filled with smaller bags filled with tampons and I don't know what to do with them.”

                And I truly don’t know.  Do I drive up and hand them, without any other items or explanations, to the first homeless woman I see?  Do I throw them away?  Isn’t that wasteful?  Do I take them back to church and turn them in?  Do I offer them to a female friend?  Is that intrusive?  Is it appropriate?  Wouldn't it be considered a great thing for someone who is cost-conscious? 
                Moreover, I don't even know what kind they are.  Are they the ones that make you ride a bike or go mountain climbing?  If so, do I need to inquire about the intended recipient's activity level before I offer them?  Are they the ones with wings?  Why on earth do they have wings?  Are there different kinds or have I fallen victim to predatory advertising?  Am I over-thinking this and just need to stop?  Am I the only person with these types of problems?  I’m at a loss, y’all.
                I’m up for suggestions.  Thank you in advance for your assistance.


Monday, September 4, 2017

An Open Apology to The Dad

               Throughout my childhood and even into adulthood, there were preferences The Dad had that I found annoying or ridiculous.  It sometimes seemed he was trying his best to be difficult with the specificity of his demands.  Requests such as extra ice in his tea, pockets on all his shirts, the eternal search for biscuits “as good as your mama’s” and irrational cravings for Zagnut candy bars, which I didn’t even realize they still manufactured.

                Now that I am sneaking up on 47 like I’m a ninja, I understand what he was talking about.  Over the last year, I have noticed that I order extra ice in my tea because it’s usually not cold enough.  Iced tea should mean just that; iced.  I have never ordered lukewarm tea.  I don’t think anyone has other than Amy Farrah Fowler in her inaugural appearance in Big Bang Theory, and, if memory serves, she asked for “tepid water”.  God doesn’t even like lukewarm things, like that Bible verse tells us so our preference is, at least, religious in nature.

I also celebrate when I find French-cuff dress shirts or polos with a pocket.  Now, I don’t store crochet needles, reading glasses and false teeth in my shirt pocket like The Dad does, but I do like to have a place to put my phone or writing implement when I need to use both hands.  You’d be surprised how often you need to use both hands.  At least I was surprised.  I also place my glasses there when I am outside and forced to wear my prescription sunglasses because my pupils are too large and my eye color too light according to my eye doctor.  I don’t want to be “blind when (you’re) old, Dustin” so I adhere to her suggestion of sunglasses when outdoors.  I really do wish someone would hurry up and invent tinted, air-conditioned tubes for transporting people to and from important places like the bakery or TJ Maxx.

The Dad also distrusts automatic withdrawals for bill payment and depositing checks via cell phone.  I’m okay with automatic withdrawals as I have only been burned once in 20 years with a double-charge, but I do not like the depositing check via phone.  I received a large check recently and went to the bank to deposit it in person.  The teller asked if the ATM wasn’t working.  When I told her it was fine, I just felt more secure depositing it in person, she looked at me with that mixture of condescension and pity, not unlike the look you give people who can’t operate a revolving door.  I wanted to protest her attitude but realized that would only confirm my “old man-ness” to her and I was already behind schedule for my trip to Starbucks and the thrift store, because it was Saturday and that’s what I do on Saturdays.

I will never find a biscuit as delicious as my mother’s but I, too, find myself ordering them when available and enjoying the treat much less than I should because they don’t measure up.  I should simply be happy I found a biscuit in the land of the gluten-free, vegan hippie bakers.

I don’t crave Zagnuts, but I do crave Oh, Henry’s and they are just as difficult to locate, although I have found a cute little boutique candy store which sells both and I treat us to one every couple of months.  Mine, I start eating on the way home; his I mail in his ‘happy box’ as soon as I have procured four or five books I think he might like to justify mailing something other than a candy bar.  A happy box from Uncle Dusty is one of the perks of being related to me.  Reading and puzzles is what has kept him sharp and ornery, so it’s good for him but not so great for the dynamic duo of my brother and sister-in-law, who have been housing him for the last year.  Their crowns will be large in Heaven, which I hope is a comfort to them.

The last thing I noticed is something which might surprise people.  My father and I are both introverts.  I am an extroverted introvert; he is simply an introvert.  I have no problem talking to people but as I’ve gotten older, it tires me much more quickly and I find myself, like him, with the overwhelming desire to be left alone (except Ben and/or my sister) but still privy to all information concerning available activities or outings should I decide I want to participate.  It’s an odd thing to try to explain.  Suffice it to say, I get it now.

So, I apologize, Old Man.  I thought you were just old and crazy when I was younger.  Now I realize you were simply requesting things you felt made sense because they made sense to you.  Now that I am older,  I am right there with you.  To say you are crazy would be to admit I have crazy tendencies and we are not getting into that discussion right now. 

For those who don't know, Ben’s native language is Cebuano, as his family is from the Philippines.  He has been teaching me random words and phrases.  One of the first words he taught me is buang.  Full disclosure, buang means crazy.  It’s a coincidence, right?

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

To Sleep, Perchance to Snore...or Kick

              I recently read the optimal sleeping position is on your left side; something to do with internal organ alignment.  I was pleased to know this as I have been sleeping in this position since I lost all my weight and stopped using my CPAP.  For those not in the know, a CPAP (Continuous Positive Air Pressure) is a device which forces air into your nose to keep you breathing while you sleep.  Sleep apnea is a condition which causes you to stop breathing when you are asleep.

                For many years, I had no idea I had sleep apnea.  From my junior year in college until I became roommates with my best friend Christopher in 2002, I lived mostly by myself.  My brother and I shared a tiny house for one semester when we both went to Ole Miss, but he never complained about my snoring.  Maybe he was a heavy sleeper, snored too or was simply too polite to say something.  I don’t know.  All I knew was I was exhausted all the time.  I feel quite strongly it had nothing to do with my diet.  Chicken strips and Dr. Pepper at midnight can’t possibly be bad for you, right?

                The morning after the first night as roommates, Christopher asked me, very politely, if I was able to vanquish the wildebeest from my bedroom.  When I asked what he meant, he said, “I assume you were wrestling with some animal last night.  How else would you explain those noises?”  I was appalled.  The only person I knew who snored was The Dad and I was not about to be lumped into any category with him.  The only clue I didn’t have a restful night was the fact I woke up with all the covers wrapped around my face and neck and the pillows on the floor.  This was not uncommon so I gave it no further thought.

                Upon the accusations of snoring, I was insistent I made no such noise, especially loud enough for Christopher to hear as our bedrooms were on opposite ends of the apartment.  When he shared a recording of what sounded like a group of lumberjacks with their chainsaws at full throttle, I decided to see a pulmonologist who didn’t even wait until the end of the test to prescribed a CPAP. 

                Use of a CPAP requires you to sleep in a supine position as you must wear a mask for the machine to work properly.  I quickly mastered sleeping without moving as I was thrilled with getting a proper night’s sleep and reducing my chances of dying in the night.

                Having traveled on vacation with my sister and her children every year since at least 2005, I am used to sharing a Queen-sized bed with her.  She says I freak her out as I don’t move at any point while I’m asleep.  “Like a dead person”, she says.  All I know is making the bed in the morning for me takes, literally, three seconds.  When my sister recently visited me for her vacation, I found she now sleeps on her stomach splayed across the bed, sheets covering only her feet, looking every bit like a crime scene recreation without the blood or number placards used by detectives to document clues.  Oh, and she snores.

                I would complain about her snoring but as a former snorer myself I try to cut her some slack and simply wear earplugs.  I already have them in my bedside table as Ben snores, too.  Earplugs provide a peaceful sleep, y’all, not just protection while swimming.

                You can understand how I was expecting an uneventful night’s sleep when I was rudely awakened by her kicking me in the butt.  I turned over to protest and saw she was on her side moaning.  As she is my older sister (she is 49; I am a pubescent 46) I was concerned she might be having a medical event.  As her favorite food is carbs, my first thought was ‘heart attack’.  As her second favorite food is tomatoes, my next thought was ‘indigestion’.

                I said, or rather shouted, as I forgot I was wearing the ear plugs, “Are you all right?”

                She managed to squeak, “Pull me.”

                “Pull you?  Like back from the light?”  I was confused.  Was she dying?  “Stay with me girl!” I yelled.

                She said, “Ugh.  Catch me, I’m falling.”

                I grabbed her arm and pulled her back onto the bed.  It turns out she had woken up, checked her phone for the time, realized she didn’t have it plugged into the charger and was reaching for the cord when she started to fall out of bed.  That’s when she kicked me.  I never ascertained if the kick was accidental or purposeful and she’s not saying.

                Responsible phone usage is a real thing with real consequences.  Mostly just embarrassment in a blog post, but still.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

19 Years and Counting...

     When I answered an ad in the Biloxi Sun Herald for part-time summer work at something called The Department of Veterans Affairs, I had no idea it would completely alter the course of my life and point me in the direction of a career I had never imagined.  It was 1998 and I had just moved to Mississippi.
     With my BS in Journalism and PR and being six credits away from an MA in Education Administration, I had never considered healthcare administration as a career option.  It was simply not on my radar.  I applied for a job in the Insurance Billing department and had plans to complete my degree by Christmas and pursue my intended career in collegiate student services with the ultimate goal of becoming a Dean of Students.
    I didn't get the job but Rebecca (Becky) Gustin recommended me to the Chief of HR and I was offered a position in their department.  My first day in HR, I met four wonderful ladies who would become my 'Mamas', help me navigate the unfamiliar territory of federal government and take care of me especially when my mother died.  Elaine Cooper, Nita Gross, Pat Finnegan and Belinda Corley may be just names to you, but to me they are a part of my heart.
     At the end of the summer, another 'Mama', Diane Sicuro, placed me into an internship program for college students which put me on a path for a permanent position once I finished my Masters in December.  A quick note about what you can accomplish when you set your mind to it and have supportive family and friends:  during the fall of 1998, I worked 40 hours per week at the VA, 30 hours per week as Assistant Manager of a McDonald's and completed graduate school on a campus more than 10 miles from my home without a car.
     In 1999 I met Jackie Collins (not the author) when my boss assigned me to help her get ready for an inspection.  We immediately clicked and she became my mentor and helped bring about some of the most significant changes in my career.  She hired me to be her Administrative Officer (like an Office Manager) for Prosthetics in 2000.  She then helped me get prepared and gave me a sterling recommendation and a big push to become the Chief of Prosthetics (like a Department Head) in Alaska at the teeny-tiny VA in Anchorage.  As a note, Prosthetics in the VA is more broad than the private sector.  Prosthetics provides everything patients use in their home (hospital beds, eyeglasses, computers, wheelchairs, iPhones, home oxygen, shoes, braces, walkers, environmental control units) as well as programs that will remodel your house and place adaptive equipment in your vehicle.
     Once I was in Alaska, Jackie was promoted to VISN Prosthetic Manager (like a Regional Manager) for VISN 10 in Ohio.  She recommended me for the Chief's job in Cleveland, Ohio.  I showed my thanks by turning that department around and making it into a well-run, efficient operation.  I always show my gratitude for someone giving me a chance and hiring/promoting me by being an exceptionally hard-working and creative employee.  Your boss doesn't need to hear you say 'thank you', they need to see you say 'thank you' every day by being awesome.  A little tip from me to you.
     While in Cleveland, Jackie told me they needed my voice in Washington, DC.  She was adamant I apply for a Policy Analyst position so I could go help them 'fix' Prosthetics at the national level.  I agreed to apply for the position just to stop her from bugging me about it, feeling confident I would never be selected.  To my surprise, but not hers, I was chosen to move to DC to help shape the policies for the Prosthetic and Sensory Aids Department.  Country was about to go to town, y'all.
     When I got there, I found policy writing and program management was something I truly enjoyed and at which I excelled.  I would never have imagined it would have been possible my redneck tail would have been allowed to shape this particular section of healthcare.  After two years, an opportunity came for me to become the VISN Prosthetic Manager in VISN 1 which encompassed all six New England states.
     I ventured into the frozen tundra of New Hampshire and completely revamped their operation from a systems redesign perspective.  My work was recognized by the Deputy Under Secretary for Health for Operation and Management as Best Practice in my VISN and then ultimately Best Practice for the nation.  I graduated from the Leadership VA program as my goal is always to be the best leader I can be.  I also oversaw the Togus, Maine Prosthetics Department's transformation and award as the first national Prosthetic Service of the Year.
    After my presentation to every muckety-schmuck in DC, I was asked by Dr. Billie Jane Randolph to come back to DC to create an oversight program mimicking the facility reviews I completed in New England.  She and I had met earlier in the year in Manchester, New Hampshire, during a taping of a 60 Minutes episode on Prosthetic innovations.  We bonded while avoiding the cameras as we weren't cleared to be on TV, so we hid out and ate snacks and shared our stories, both of us being from the boonies; she much more fancy than I.
     My 90-day detail back to DC stretched in an 11-month detail and she became my mentor and 'Mama' and we found we worked wonderfully together.  The program was extremely successful and we re-shaped Prosthetics across the country.  I accepted a permanent position in DC placing me in charge of Education and Training for Prosthetics for VA.  In my element, we had numerous successful educational conferences, all within the proper guidelines, unlike those people from GSA who got in trouble (see previous blog, April 14, 2012 "Is a Clown at a Conference Really Kidding?").
     The opportunity came to move to Palo Alto and fix their failing Prosthetic Department and Dr. Randolph encouraged me to think about what was best for me as I had grown progressively unhappy living in DC.  I can only take so much politics before I become jaded.  Moving to California was the best decision for many reasons; one being having room for my father to move in and for me to start this blog.
     Revamping the program in Palo Alto, my team and I received the national Prosthetic Service of the Year Award in 2012, showing again standardization and accountability are always the path to success.  I also got a new mentor in Palo Alto, Tony Fitzgerald, who helped mold me into the executive I am today.   In addition, I completed the Excellence in Government Fellowship in 2013 which helped prepare me to be a high-functioning and successful executive.  I have been in my role as Assistant Director in Long Beach for two and a half years and I couldn't be happier.  My work has shades of being a Dean of Students as I oversee all the Employee Engagement and Development programs in addition to various administrative functions like Education, Environmental Management, Police and Emergency Management, Occupational Safety and Health, Prosthetics (of course), Veterans Travel and Transportation, Volunteers and Food Services.
     The best part of my job is I get to do what I love and help veterans like The Dad every day.  It almost feels unfair I get to earn a living and feel good about what I do.  It's a win-win situation, which aren't common, I know.
     19 years, 10 jobs, 9 states, 8 mentees, 7 mamas, 6 hospitals, 5 cars, 4 awards, 3 mentors, 2 leadership programs and always 1 goal:  Awesomeness.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Stephen Curry, Bad Football and Tiaras

                Now that the NBA Championships are over and the Golden State Warriors won (insert team chant here), there has been a lot of drama and sadness and other negative emotions for those who supported the Cavs.  I was happy Stephen Curry and his team won.  He looks like a nice person; like someone who loves his mother and helps the disadvantaged. 

                The year before I enrolled at Southwest Mississippi Community College in Summit, MS (Go Bears!) their football team was ranked #6 in the nation for junior college football; in the nation, not the state.  That’s some pretty good football playing right there. 

                My Freshman year, their record was 0-9-1 and the one team we tied was Coahoma Community College, which at the time hadn’t actually ever won a game, possibly in the history of their school.  The fans and team members were disappointed in the season and as a member of the marching band and Student Body President, I, too, was appropriately saddened.  It wasn’t until my Sophomore year I found the upside to losing.

                As most people know, the one game you want to win in the school year is Homecoming.  It’s the most attended game of the season.  In order to do well in front of your largest home crowd, you try to play the team with the worst record.  Coming off our poor record, it began to dawn on me as the season progressed there was something special afoot; something magical involving tiaras and convertibles.

                Football is not very interesting to watch; poorly played football even less so.    As a dedicated trumpeter in the marching band, I attended all games and was thrilled to notice a trend of playing multiple schools at their Homecoming games and this meant seeing all the Homecoming Queens and their Courts.  Royalty, sparkly dresses, pageantry; these were my kind of football games.    Of course the Queen-related hullabaloo was interspersed with actual football which was fine because any time I wasn’t tooting my own horn (literally), I occupied myself by going to the concession stand for nachos and/or Frito Pie or talking to the dance team who loved them some Dusty, mostly because I was funny and overweight and therefore a consistent source of heat.  These poor beautiful ladies were always cold in their tiny sequined bodysuits.

                Our record improved to 2-8 the next year and I saw at least four Homecoming Queens including one who was over 6’ tall at Pearl River Community College.  Oddly enough the two schools we beat were the worst team in the state (again, Coahoma) and also the State Champions (Gulf Coast).  I’m unsure if Southwest has been better or worse in the intervening years.  I admit I don’t follow football unless it’s the New Orleans Saints or Ole Miss and then only via Facebook posts. 

                So, take heart LeBron and all the other Cavs (are there other Cavs?), there is an upside to losing.  For me it was momentary glamour in the boonies.  For you it’s gazillions of dollars, so quit crying you big baby. 

                And that’s all I’m saying for now.