People from Nowhere Never Click on Internet Ads...Apparently

Hey, y'all.  I was reviewing the statistics from my blog, trying to figure out how to convince more people to read the darn thing so I can get a book deal and make a little money. There are always more pants to buy and more cinnamon rolls. So far, I've not met their lofty ad click threshold of $10, so they can cut me my first ad revenue check. The 59 of you who have registered to follow this blog, I adore all of you. To quote Miss Tina Turner, you are simply the best. The rest of you lot are on my naughty list and I can assure you I know both Jesus and Santa Claus, so whomever you're most afraid of, I'm telling them all about your unwillingness to make me rich. On an other note, I was looking at the traffic sources for my blog and I noticed a very interesting list of the home countries of fans of my blog.  Here is the Top 10.

1. US

2. Ukraine

3. Russia

4. UK

5. Philippines

6. Indonesia

7. Unknown Region

8. Switzerland

9. Germany

10. Japan

What exactly is going on here?  Other than being spied on by Ukraine and Russia (I assume), where is Unknown Region?  How does The Internets not know where somewhere is? The Internets knows where I park, where I go every other Thursday after work and what exactly I've been wanting to purchase but just haven't. It's creepy but also convenient for The Internets to know everything. So if it doesn't know, what am I to think? Is Unknown Region a proper noun? Is it a place? Is it outer space?  Is it a rift in the space/time continuum? Is this a Doctor Who episode and if so, which Doctor is it?  It had better be 10 or 11; 13, in a pinch.  12 would be okay if he wasn't always so irritable. He's like The Dad when he's tired of waiting for the Meals on Wheels people, except with a guitar.  If we were in the TARDIS together, one of us would have thrown the other one out the door somewhere during the first episode.  Also, why can't River Song be a Doctor?

But, returning to the less concerning locales, Switzerland is about as posh as they come. Well done me.  I wonder if I should go there for a book signing?  I've been to UK but am always looking for an excuse to go back. I've also heard Berlin is amazing, so maybe I'll plan a whole Western Europe trip to meet my people; all my loveable Pennies? Loafers? Almosters? What do you call yourselves? Do you call yourselves anything? If not, why not? We are headed to the Philippines for our honeymoon later this year. Maybe those fans in Indonesia can meet us there? I don't want to go to two hot places in one year. Plus, Indonesia doesn't have Bangus Embutido or Chicken Pastel. Manila does, so it's Manila for the win. I guess it doesn't matter where you are, I really appreciate your support. Please forward my blog posts to your friends. But not this one, it's not that funny. Send them a good one. And for those who are reading the blog from the Unknown Region, let me know where you are, if you can. Or at least send me a picture of your location's flag or an example of your clothing or your favorite food, as long as it's not spicy. Please and thank you.

Define 'Extra'

          This past week, I received a text message from my sister of a dump truck with it's bed in the 'up' position, like it was actively dumping it's load.  I was wondering what purpose there was to sharing this with me, when I noticed there were power lines running across the windshield and a utility truck sitting in the road to the immediate right.
          Apparently, the driver of this truck was unaware his bucket (?) was still up when he drove through the bustling metropolis of Vega, Texas, taking with him most of the power lines and the one red light.  Yes, they just have the one.  And it's not a real red light; it just flashes letting you know there is a Dairy Queen and a Subway nearby, I guess.  I'm not sure why they even have it other than Vega is a town on Route 66, which was a big deal back in the day but hasn't really been relevant since the 1980s, somewhat like Steely Dan, Care Bears or Larry King.
          Consequently, the power was knocked out to the entire town, and by that I mean, the 25 houses and two churches, of which one is inhabited by The Dad.  Of course, I'm not talking about the church because he hasn't been to one of those since I bribed him with pancakes back in 2012 when he lived with me.  It was Presbyterian.  They weren't having a potluck lunch.  He has not returned.
          When my sister got to her house, she found The Dad sitting on the front porch, sweating like a field hand (because it's Texas and it's 138 degrees in the shade until sometime nearer Halloween) but smiling.  Knowing he had missed his lunch because the restaurant that makes the meals for Meals on Wheels had lost power and hesitant to engage with a hungry Dad, she said, "Whatcha doin' on the porch?"
          The Dad said, "Oh, some poor fella knocked out the power so I came outside.  I can't read in the dark."
          Still thinking he hadn't eaten she asked, "What did you eat for lunch?"
          He said, "That's the best part.  I got two lunches!"
          She questioned, "What do you mean, two lunches?"
          Looking at her like she was 'slow', he said, "Just what I said.  The Sheriff came by with a lunch and then the Meals on Wheels lady came by with lunch.   So I got two lunches today."
          She said, "Did you ask why they brought you two lunches?"
          He stared at her and said, "Why would I do that?  If somebody hands you food, you take it.  I don't care why they brought it."
          She called her friend Jaylie and found out that when the power went out and the restaurant that makes the lunches for Meals on Wheels and the prisoners at the county jail couldn't cook, the Sheriff drove to the next town and bought BBQ for the prisoners.  Because he knew the Meals on Wheels wouldn't have any food, he also bought food for their customers and delivered it.  Of course, he knew who got Meals on Wheels and who didn't as there are about 24 people in Vega, y'all.  For real.
          Meanwhile, the restaurant found that it had enough provisions to make sandwiches, with fruit and chips and, not knowing that the Sheriff was delivering food, completed their normal delivery route.  It was brought to their attention, not by The Dad, that the Sheriff had already brought meals, so The Dad got an extra lunch.
          My sister, thinking that he still had some of the food, said, "Well, good.  Since you have the extra lunch, I can eat that for supper and I won't have to cook."
          The Dad said, "I don't have any extra food.  What are you talking about?"
          She said, "The extra lunch.  I'll eat it for supper."
          The Dad stared at her and said, "They brought me two lunches so I ate two lunches.  It's what you do when somebody delivers lunch.  You eat it at lunch."
          She stared and said, "But they gave you two."
          He said, "I know.  I ate both of 'em.  For lunch."
         She laughed and said, "Well, you must be full."
         He patted his belly and said, "Yep.  It was a good lunch."
         She sat down in the chair beside him and after a few minutes he turned to her and asked, "What's for supper?"

Sprint Made Me Fat

          Recently, I have been searching for a new cell phone carrier.  I currently have Sprint and they are the absolute worst.  I have used AT&T and they are pricey and the rest of them are just about the same I can tell you.  I haven't been happy with cell service since AT&T bought Cingular in 20whatever.  Cingular used to be great.  I had cell reception with Cingular in the bathroom of my sister's house in the Hill Country of Texas, when she had to drive down the road a half-mile just to talk on her cell phone.  Seriously.
          The reason I am on the search is that Sprint's service is laughably bad.  I live in Long Beach, CA, a city of 500,000 people, in Los Angeles County which is the 2nd most populous place in America, y'all.  I am not in the boonies.  I am straight up in the city limits.  Seal Beach, CA is a fancy little town about 27 inches from Long Beach, literally starting at the order of Orange County.
           Whenever I am in Seal Beach bargain shopping at the Home Goods or Marshall's or simply trying to buy groceries and sundries at Target or Ralph's, which is their version of Piggly Wiggly, I am unable to make diet-conscious decisions because the cell reception is nil and I cannot access my Weight Watcher app, which shows me what foods I should and should not be eating.  I take my phone and use the camera as a scanner on the bar code and it gives me the info to make good choices, like knowing that the Whole Wheat Ritz Crackers are the least number of WW points, which makes sense because they are the least delicious.
           However, when I am standing in the parking lot of a shopping center in the city limits of Orange County, I get no signal.  Based on my cell reception, you would think I was in a cavern, in a canyon, excavating for a mine with Clementine's Daddy; she of "Oh My Darlin'..." fame song.  Google it, youngsters.
          And I'm not talking about a weak signal, you know the one that messes with you, making you slowly move, twisting your body into weirder and more painful positions, while its showing one bar , then two bars, then one bar, then four bars, then one bar again, leaving you all twisted like a Cirque du Soleil dancer, who got stuck mid-performance.  I'm talking about no signal.  Where it literally shows on your phone, where the little bars should be, the statement "No Signal".
          How is that even possible?  I mean, Sprint is a nationwide company, with many customers.  Am I the only one with No Service in LA County?  I can sell you an overpriced phone and offer you no signal using the cooking utensils in my kitchen.  And I would do it for much less money.
          Plus, it's Sprint's fault that I'm fat, which is ironic because sprint is something that my old kick boxing coah used to try to make me do until I whooped him down during my last class.  And by whooped him down I mean, I lay on the floor, cried a little and then cancelled my gym membership.            And I need my WW app, y'all.  When I can't access my little 'getting skinny' app at the store, I end up buying things like Doritos and Oreos and Pumpkin Cream Cheese.  Are these things fattening?  Are they WW approved?  Who knows?  Well, my WW app knows, but I can't access it, so now I'm fat. All because of Sprint.
          So, I'm looking for advice on the best cell service to help me lose weight.  But only from the skinny people.  And by skinny, I mean, skinnier than me.
          Bless y'all.  Bless all y'all.